Grace: A Step In The Right Direction

Have you ever had God speak to you so clearly you absolutely cannot miss it? 

To ignore it would be like ignoring that your car is out of gas and you're just sitting on the side of the road. Or like ignoring that your bladder is so full the mere thought of water is a problem. Or like ignoring that pebble or, if you live in the Midwest, piece of ice melt that's in your shoe. 

I have been wrestling with something for days, and today, God smacked me in the face with it. Not really smacked, but since I've become aware of it, there hasn't been a second I haven't been aware of it. The knot in my stomach reminding me that God is calling me to action appeared and hasn't let up. When I got off work, I felt I needed to come straight home and sit in his presence as he led me in this. I needed to let him guide me through the next steps, and this blog that I haven't touched in over a year and a half, seemed to be his next step for me to express what's going on. 

My husband recently joined the Army National Guard, and while I am beyond proud of him for doing this, I am also not looking forward to the time he is away at Basic. I don't imagine that many newlyweds (we're still newlyweds, right?) enjoy the thought of being apart for four months at a time, but we're doing just that starting the end of April. He's been preparing- the beard has disappeared a few times, his hair has gotten shorter, and we've been going to the gym so he's physically fit to meet the demands Basic will bring. 

Am I prepared for him to go? Absolutely not. I've been caught in this fear of being alone while he is gone. A fear that has brought me to tears. Yes, I know I have family and a few people we hang out with on a regular basis, but I know that I can't put all of the pressure on them to fill the void. For weeks, I've known 1) I need to rely on God during this time apart from him, but also 2) I need to have friends by my side. Friends that, I am afraid to say, don't exist on a regular basis at the moment. 

Today, I was listening to a podcast of two woman of faith talking about how their friendships are so deeply meaningful and life-giving. These friends know so much about each other- every up and down, every loss, every win. They laugh with each other and cry with each other. They lean on each other when they feel like they have nothing left to give. They cherish each other through the good and the bad. As I listened, I knew with every fiber of my being that this is what I need, despite my husband leaving, but especially while he's gone. But how do you get there when you've never had friendships to that extent? When the friendships you could have had like this came to an abrupt halt? When the prospect of this type of friendship comes with the fear of hurt and burned bridges, something you've learned from past experiences?

Here's the thing: I have no idea what the answers to these questions are. But I know that if I continue to live with those questions burning like a never-ending fire and I don't act on what God is telling me, I will never find the answers. If I don't take the initiative to be a better friend, or even to start a friendship, I cannot and will not ever have friendships like the God-fearing women on the podcast. I can't let my past friendships and hurts define what friendships look like moving forward. If I do, this is when I will find myself alone, watching all of the people around me thrive in friendships while I sit bitterly watching. And believe me, I've already done enough of that. No more! 

While I have been hurt by others in the past, I can also own up to the fact that I have been the one who has done the hurting in many situations. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be perfect. But the good news is that I have a God who calls me to live by grace and not by perfection. God is calling me not only to show grace to others, but to also ask for grace from those I have hurt. God is calling me to leave the bitterness behind and begin anew. God is calling. 


Today, I choose to listen to God's calling and begin mending friendships, starting friendships, and choosing friendship. Today, I choose to leave bitterness in the past and begin focusing on building healthy friendships. Today, I choose to show the grace that God has shown me. Today, I take a step in the right direction. 


Will you join me? 


   

Broken Records

A broken record. All it takes to have a broken record is a small scratch that is barely visible to the eye. This minuscule flaw causes the record to skip, repeat, or not work at all. It often causes the owner agitation or sadness, especially when this record was one of the owner's most cherished. It no longer functions the way it was expected. 

Have you ever experienced a situation that seems like a broken record? It starts out as something small, but over time, the damage becomes greater and more agitating. Eventually, you come to the conclusion that the only option is to replace the broken record. 

I got married almost a year ago. Before my husband and I even got engaged, we recognized the importance of maintaining friendships. We knew we couldn't rely solely on each other to meet our needs. We needed friends to invest in and that would invest in us. We became broken records, repeating to each other and our friends the importance of spending time with friends through the changes. 

Close to a year into our marriage, our record has become more damaged. There are more scratches. Scratches that cut deeper than each one before it. Exclusion from activities is now the norm. Despite opening our home on a weekly basis for months after getting married, there is little to no attempt to invest in us- individually or as a couple. People who used to care about us have thrown us out like a broken record. They've found something "better". 

I look at my record. It is so broken that it doesn't even make a sound. It spins and spins. It's trapped in this never ending cycle. The only option is to discard this old, broken record and replace it with one that will once again bring joy to my heart and a song to my lips. 

Beyond that broken record, I'm broken. You see, every scratch to that broken record was a reinforcement of past hurts, pain, and fear in my life. No amount of honesty can make someone connect with me more. Friends are only friends until something better comes along. People only care when it benefits them. Just to name a few. 

But, there is hope! God has provided a new record. New friendships are forming. New opportunities are coming from these friendships. There are still wounds from the broken record, but God is beginning to heal them. God is showing that there is no need to cling to a record that is so deeply scarred and no longer working. He wants me to feel joy. He wants me to smile and laugh with friends. And he is providing a new record to do these things.  

Beauty in Change

Just a few short weeks ago, I was wrestling with a decision that I never thought I would have to make. A decision that I believed would more-likely-than-not result in the answer of "yes" if it were to come to a decision-making process. It had always been an automatic "yes" in the past. No questions asked. No need for any kind of decision-making process.

What is this decision I was making?

Am I going to go back to Dayton Oaks Camp for my seventh summer on staff?

This question was tearing me apart. It physically made my stomach churn. I was all over the place with my emotions. I cried. I was confused. I was angry. I was at peace. I was defiant. I shut down to the one person who knew what was going on and was trying to help me while I was making the decision. For about three or four days, this seemed like the only thing I could think about. 

Coming to an answer wasn't easy. I had many things that had to be taken into consideration.  

For starters, I now have a job that will require my attention throughout the summer. Being a little over two hours away and taking care of things for school would mean lots of running back and forth between camp and school. In order to do this, I would have to miss days with campers. I would feel pulled in two separate directions, knowing I need to complete my tasks for school, but not wanting to miss time with the campers. When I looked at a calendar and what the summer would look like, I remember feeling tired just by the thought of what I would be facing. Yes, doing both would be completely possible. But I may end up drained and less effective in both realms. 

In addition, I have been spiritually challenged about several different things in the past year. I have had hard questions asked of me. Questions I truly wanted nothing to do with. Things I didn't want to think about. Even more, things I didn't acknowledge were important. 

                                                                                        

In the midst of attempting to make my decision, I was at a Friday night prayer service. It was my first time attending this service, but God knew what He was doing by getting me there. During the message, one of the subjects that came up was the problem of idols. Since this decision was all that was on my mind, I quickly asked myself if I had made camp an idol. The resounding answer I got, sadly, was "yes". Camp is a place I've become comfortable. A place I know what to expect and when to expect it (most of the time). Like I said earlier, I never questioned going back. It was just automatic. I didn't question whether that was what God wanted of me. I wasn't worried about His plan because I knew my plan. Welcome, idol. I put camp before God. Sounds like an oxymoron since it's a church camp, but it's the truth. God ranked under camp. PROBLEM! 

If these two things weren't enough to make my decision, there was still more. I started asking questions and having questions asked of me such as: 

Am I missing opportunities at home when I go to camp?

Am I as effective as I should be?

Is the ministry itself as effective as it should be? 

Am I growing in leadership skills as well as in my relationship with Christ?

What do I sacrifice to be at camp?

Do I go to camp for myself or for the ministry?

Am I so afraid of disappointing people that I take their input into consideration more than I should?

Am I obeying God or following my desires? 

After taking all of these questions into consideration as well as looking at my schedule, I came to a decision. It wasn't an easy decision, but sometimes God asks each one of us to do hard things in order to continue to grow in Him. He wants us to trust Him wholeheartedly, and let me be the first to say, If I weren't trusting Him, I probably wouldn't have made the decision I did. Yet, as soon as I knew what God was telling me to do, I was at peace. No more agonizing. No more worrying. No more bouncing back and forth between "yes" and "no". No looking back.  

One week ago today, I began the process of telling people that I have made the decision not to return to Dayton Oaks Camp this summer. I am not only stepping away from my role on staff, but am also stepping away from my role as the 1st-4th grade cabin camp coordinator. I made this decision for me. I made it for no one else. Well, except God.  

I have no doubt, come June, that I will miss it. For countless summers, I have packed up my car, moved into lodge room 8, and made my home away from home complete with decorating the walls. I will miss the staff who have become friends. I will miss summer pranks. I will miss gator rides. I will miss the campers. I will miss Saturday trips to Ames and Des Moines. I will miss campfires. I will miss the delicious food. I will miss seeing God work in people. I will miss being in nature, observing God's handiwork. I will miss the Top of the World. I will miss so many things. 

While I know I will miss all of these things, I also know that God has something great planned for this summer and summers to come. He has a plan for my life that I cannot fathom. And I am beyond excited to see what comes of this change.  

Are you listening to God's will for your life? Or are you following your own desires?  

Convicted by the Pharisees

I recently started reading the book "Multiply" by Francis Chan. I've owned the book for over a year, but for anyone who knows me, I own a lot of books- AKA, there are a lot of books I haven't actually read. I was prompted to read this book after a conversation J and I had a few weeks ago. I haven't read much of the book yet, but it has definitely made me stop and think about the way I live my life versus the way God calls me to live my life.

In the opening pages of the third chapter called The Heart of a Disciple Maker, Chan says this: 

"If God cared only about religious activities, then the Pharisees would have been heroes of the faith. They were continuously engaged in ministry: they vigorously pursued outward demonstrations of godliness; they made sure the people around them kept themselves holy; and they diligently taught the law of God. And yet the Gospels present the Pharisees as villains." 

In essence, the Pharisees presented themselves as perfect. They followed "God's laws" and made sure others were doing the same. They weren't afraid to speak up when people weren't following the commands supposedly from God. And people were impressed by their knowledge. But, in Matthew 15:8-9, they get called out.

"These people honor me with their lips, 

but their hearts are far from me, 

They worship me in vain; 

their teaching are merely human rules." (NIV)

The Pharisees were putting on a show. They wanted others to notice them and all of the good they were doing, but Jesus says it was all in vain. Their hearts were nowhere near him. While they knew a lot about God, they didn't know God. Did they care to know God? Or was the show good enough for them?

When I read the passage above from Chan, I read it. And I read it again. And I read it again. It made me stop in my tracks. 

"If God cared only about religious activities..."

You go to church. You teach Sunday school. You help in the youth group. You pray (most often when things aren't going your way). You dust off your Bible when you have time (once a month is good, right?!?) 

Don't get me wrong. Those are all great things. But those aren't necessarily the things God wants from you. He wants a relationship with you. 

It doesn't matter how much time you spend in the Bible if it isn't resulting in a closer connection with him. 

It doesn't matter if you give two hours every Wednesday night to help with the youth group if it isn't to benefit His kingdom by helping others draw closer to him and drawing closer to him personally.

Prayer isn't to get your way. It's to give your way over to God. He gets control, not you.

Nowhere does God say, "Do all of these things to have a relationship with me." Religious activities are not the answer to having a heart for God if you aren't using these activities for the right reasons. He cares more about what is in your heart and who you are.  

"Come close to God and he will come near to you." - James 4:8

"They vigorously pursued outward demonstrations of godliness..."

This is the part that stopped me in my tracks. The Pharisees wanted to look good. They did everything in their power to look good. But, it was a demonstration. Something they had put effort into and planned so they could look good. It was a facade. It wasn't necessarily who they were. Does anyone truly know what they were like behind closed doors? In their own homes? 

Which brings me to what stopped me in my tracks. Do I put on a facade? Do you put on a facade? If we're being honest, the answer is, "Yes". At least I know that would be my answer. I can think of things I hid from people in years past because I knew they were wrong. Are there things I could admit to in my life right now? If I said no, I would be lying. But, I put on a lovely facade. You would have to search for quite a while to find someone who knew the truth about most of what comes to mind and I can't guarantee you would ever find such a person. 

Why is this? 

It's because as Christians, many of us have been taught that we are to be different from the world. We aren't supposed to do things that people of the world do. And when Christians come out with their faults, they are often called hypocrites. Then they lose their credibility as a witness to non-believers and sometimes even fellow believers (this is a sad truth about the church).

So, this is where I put on my show and make it look like I have it altogether. I know how a follower of Christ is called to live and I don't stray from that. Or so I make you believe... 

God doesn't want a facade from me, from you, or from anyone. He wants to see the real you and he wants others to see that person as well. It is the only true way we can grow closer to God. When we hide our shortcomings, we essentially say that God cannot help us. And that prevents us from coming closer to him. 

"The Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."

 - 1 Samuel 16:7

What facade(s) are you putting on? What do you need to give over to God?         

The Well

On Wednesday night, I attended my first evening of "The Well", a worship and prayer night at J's church. Driving to the church, my stomach was in knots. I don't know for sure why I was feeling this way though. Was I nervous because I didn't know what to expect? Was I nervous because of the job interview I had planned the next morning? Was it a little of both? I honestly cannot give you an answer.

As I sat down with J's family before the service, his grandma started talking to me about my interview. I already had the interview on my brain so it was good to talk about it. (For the record, when I say I'm at J's church, I'm typically not with him as he is running lights and sound- AKA church happens to double as quality time with his family.) When the service started, I attempted to push the interview out of my mind so I could be present in worship and prayer.

That is, I pushed the interview out of my mind until the pastor shared the first prayer topic- prayer for those who had experienced some sort of tragedy. Specifically, he wanted to pray for the walls that had been built up as a result of this tragedy to be torn down. How does this prayer topic relate to my interview? The one that hadn't happened yet? 

The last year of my Master's program was, to say it nicely, rough. It was probably the most trying year of my life. Not because I didn't enjoy what I was doing, but because of some circumstances and events that took place over the course of the year. I've mentioned before that I wasn't sure I was going to get to graduate. During the time of prayer, I realized that the events that occurred that last year of my program resulted in a wall being built. For me, the things I went through were a tragedy- not so much in the sense of what most people think of when they think of a tragedy though. It was more of a tragedy in the sense that there were so many obstacles being placed in my way to become a school counselor. I had invested so much time, energy, and money into what I thought was God's will for me and I kept getting knocked down at every turn. It was a hard thing to swallow. And one I know I could have handled better.

Every time I walked into an interview, I was taking these experiences with me. I was carrying the bitterness I felt towards those events with me. Even though I could say I had let it all go, I hadn't. I tried several times to convince myself that everything I had gone through was just a learning experience, something to make me stronger. I didn't actually believe that though. I questioned often if school counseling was for me because if I was going to end up like the people I had dealt with, I wanted nothing to do with that profession. Ya, I had walls. No doubt.

As I sat there praying, I felt the walls start coming down. I was looking at the situation in a new light. I had never connected the dots between the events that had taken place and how my feelings towards that could be affecting my interviews. More than that though, I could sense God telling me that it's all according to His plan- His good and perfect will. Now, I'm not saying that all bitterness left at one moment because I can still think of certain events and cringe, but I am saying I'm letting go. The wall is coming down. What I went through doesn't have to define me. It won't define me.

The second thing the pastor asked us to pray for was obedience. When he said this, my first instinct was to laugh. Not because I don't want to be obedient to God, but because his prayer topics seemed to be pointed...right at me. It was almost like there was a spotlight on me and God was saying, "Pastor, everything you say tonight is going to be for this woman right here."

We hear people say all the time that we need to be obedient to God. What does that look like? For me, I knew I needed to be obedient to God in His will for my life, specifically when it comes to my career. The interview I had coming up was probably the most important interview I had to become a school counselor because it was going to give me everything I wanted. I would be able to stay in Sioux City which meant a lot of things. I could live at home while paying off students loans, I wouldn't have to start all over making new friends, and I wouldn't have to do a long-distance relationship with J. Notice how I just listed things that were perfect for me, but not necessarily for God? It's easy to think about how to be obedient to your own will without thinking about God's will. Needless to say, my prayer became that I wanted this job and all of the benefits it would come with if it was God's will. Still a bit selfish, but I was trying :) I just wanted this job so badly.

 When the service ended, I felt at peace about the interview. I no longer had knots in my stomach. I was ready for whatever was next. As I turned to J's mom, she asked if they could pray for me. Okay, maybe I wasn't ready for whatever was next. I'm not used to someone asking to pray for me. Nonetheless, J's mom, dad, and grandma gathered around me, laid hands on me, and prayed for my interview. It was one of the best feelings to know that I have their support and they care enough to take time to pray with and for me. If that wasn't enough, as I was talking to the pastor, he ended up praying for my interview as well. Sidenote: I went to one church growing up and I'm not sure the pastor ever learned my name. I've been to J's church five, maybe six times, and the pastor not only knows my name, but has taken time to pray for me.

On Wednesday night, I was exactly were I was supposed to be. It still amazes me how God puts people, events, and desires right where He needs them to be. God has it all figured out and we need to learn to trust Him. He works in each of us in ways we could never imagine when we let Him break down those walls and show us His will.

It was my first experience at "The Well", but I guarantee it won't be my last.

What is God trying to show you through prayer? 

Set A Fire

"Set a fire down in my soul 

that I can't contain, that I can't control 

I want more of you God

I want more of you God." 

 I'm currently at the O'Hare airport in Chicago (I may still be on a plane that just landed) on my way to Monterrey, Mexico, but I've had these lyrics running through my head on repeat for the last day. We sang it in church yesterday morning and something within me felt it. I would have been content with singing those lyrics over and over again and calling that the church service. Even with my conservative Baptist background, I was on the verge of raising my hands. I didn't, but I was oh so close. I have nothing against hand-raising. I understand the concept. For me, it's something I didn't grow up with and have only done a handful of times in my life so am very tentative when I do. It will come with time though. Ok, moving on- this isn't a post about hand-raising.

In a little over an hour, I will be on the flight taking me to Monterrey. For those of you that don't know, I applied and was chosen through work to go on a mission trip. I have been out of the country once, but did not go for missions. The company does trips both in and out of the US. When I applied to go on this trip, I requested all of the international trips because I wanted that experience (and if the trip is free to me, even better :) ). I wanted out of my comfort zone and everything I know for a chance to make a difference in others' lives as well as grow in my walk with The Lord. I was chosen and here I am, sitting at the airport waiting for what I'm told will be a life-changing experience. 

I'll be honest here (I feel like I say that a lot in my blogs). I'm not sure I'm ready for this. I've been so consumed with work (we've been in the middle of renovations and resetting the store), spending time with my boyfriend, J, and friends, and life in general that I haven't had much time to sit down and prepare for what I'm about to experience. I don't want to go just to be able to say I went. I want this trip to truly touch my life. 

As the time nears for the plane to board, these lyrics are the prayer of my heart for this trip. This trip isn't about me. It's about God becoming more and moving in and through me in ways I'd never imagine. I want to see more of Him. 

My Love Language

If you've ever attended church for any amount of time, you've probably heard talk about the five love languages. Even if you don't attend church, you may have still heard about the love languages as they seem to be everywhere. In a nutshell, every person has a primary love language- one s/he appreciates and respond to the most. It's how one prefers to receive affection from others. The love language you identify with is NOT how you show love for others, but how others show love for you.   

The five love languages are: 

1) Words of Affirmation

2) Gifts

3) Acts of Service

4) Quality Time

5) Physical Touch

I have attended church as long as I can remember and went to a private, Christian college, but in all my time in these settings, I never actually took time to figure out my love language. It wasn't until about a month and a half ago when I was talking to J that I started thinking about my love language. He had brought the subject up and was telling me about his primary love language and I had no clue what mine was. Neither one of us had actually read the book by Gary Champan so I decided to pick a copy up (shocker, I bought another book) and explore the different languages. It didn't take much for me to figure out which love language is my language. 

Anyone want to take a guess?!? No. Okay. It's quality time. 

Quality time- spending time with others. As an introvert, I prefer my quality time one-on-one. On occasion, I enjoy the group thing, but I love one-on-one time because it allows me to invest in one person at a time. I feel the most connected to a person through quality time. I can listen to the person's experiences, thoughts, beliefs, etc. I enjoy getting to know someone on a personal level, a level that allows him/her to open up to me in a way they don't to other people. Spending quality time with me will also make me naturally open up because I sense the person cares about me and wants to share in my experiences and beliefs. 

Quality time is essential to any relationship I have, whether that's with friends, family, or a significant other. When I discovered my love language is quality time, I had a sort of "AHA" moment about past relationships and things I currently do.    

I recall several times, I have gotten extremely frustrated with people, mostly friends, who haven't made it a priority to spend time with me. Maybe priority isn't the right word. More like I felt they didn't care one way or the other about spending time with me. In high school and college, I was close to several friends who ended up getting into relationships. We all know this story. When you start a new relationship, it's typical for the significant other to become the most important person in your world and everyone else takes the back-burner. (I am extremely thankful this has not been the case in my relationship with J.) When I was the one being put on the back-burner, this didn't bode well for the friendship. I was angry. I was hurt. I felt replaced. Sadly, most of these friendships don't exist anymore because of the circumstances that arose with significant others and the lack of quality time I had with those friends.  

Just recently, I was attempting to make plans to visit out-of-town friends. I was not getting the quick, enthusiastic replies I desired so I decided not to go. One of my friends was persistent in wanting me to come and was attempting to convince me. Unfortunately for her, I ended up venting my frustrations about one of my last visits and my disappointment in the lack of time I had spent with my friends. I had spent almost an entire Saturday by myself on that trip. Because I hadn't gotten the response I wanted with this recent attempt, I feared I wasn't going to get quality time with my friends. I didn't want a repeat of that Saturday. I ultimately decided I still wasn't going, but agreed to attend her birthday party since she was adamant about wanting to see me. Thank you for that, friend. :) 

Now, for anyone who knows me, you know that most of my close friends don't live in the same town as me. I have friends from camp and college in towns all over Iowa, South Dakota, Minnesota, and possibly some other states. It's a bit difficult to spend quality time with them on a regular basis. So, how do I keep up these friendships and feel like I still get quality time? Social media- Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Skype, texting. Pretty much anything but Twitter (I still don't understand the point of Twitter). I'm aware that I post a ridiculous amount of things on Facebook daily. I wish I could say I'm sorry for that, but it's my "quality time" with my friends so I'm not sorry in the slightest. When I've spent time with people I'm thankful for, you'll find I often post a status about it. I appreciate my time with those people and want them to know. I try not to take my time with people for granted, especially those I don't get to see often. 

Figuring out my love language opened my eyes to so many experiences I have had in the past that didn't always make sense to me. I never understood why I got so irritated with people who didn't seem to care about spending time with me. I didn't realize why I would wait hours (Okay, that's a slight exaggeration) in a restaurant for someone to show up. I didn't know why I was one of the only ones of my friends to post on Facebook about time I had spent with my friends. I didn't understand why going more than a few days without seeing someone I care about drove me bonkers. It all just makes a little more sense to me. Honestly, if I had stopped to think about it, I probably would have known why these things were so important to me, but I hadn't taken the time. Now that I know how much I value quality time, maybe I'll be able to control my emotions better because I realize that quality time isn't everyone's love language. While it is extremely important to me, it may not be for them.