Beauty in Change

Just a few short weeks ago, I was wrestling with a decision that I never thought I would have to make. A decision that I believed would more-likely-than-not result in the answer of "yes" if it were to come to a decision-making process. It had always been an automatic "yes" in the past. No questions asked. No need for any kind of decision-making process.

What is this decision I was making?

Am I going to go back to Dayton Oaks Camp for my seventh summer on staff?

This question was tearing me apart. It physically made my stomach churn. I was all over the place with my emotions. I cried. I was confused. I was angry. I was at peace. I was defiant. I shut down to the one person who knew what was going on and was trying to help me while I was making the decision. For about three or four days, this seemed like the only thing I could think about. 

Coming to an answer wasn't easy. I had many things that had to be taken into consideration.  

For starters, I now have a job that will require my attention throughout the summer. Being a little over two hours away and taking care of things for school would mean lots of running back and forth between camp and school. In order to do this, I would have to miss days with campers. I would feel pulled in two separate directions, knowing I need to complete my tasks for school, but not wanting to miss time with the campers. When I looked at a calendar and what the summer would look like, I remember feeling tired just by the thought of what I would be facing. Yes, doing both would be completely possible. But I may end up drained and less effective in both realms. 

In addition, I have been spiritually challenged about several different things in the past year. I have had hard questions asked of me. Questions I truly wanted nothing to do with. Things I didn't want to think about. Even more, things I didn't acknowledge were important. 

                                                                                        

In the midst of attempting to make my decision, I was at a Friday night prayer service. It was my first time attending this service, but God knew what He was doing by getting me there. During the message, one of the subjects that came up was the problem of idols. Since this decision was all that was on my mind, I quickly asked myself if I had made camp an idol. The resounding answer I got, sadly, was "yes". Camp is a place I've become comfortable. A place I know what to expect and when to expect it (most of the time). Like I said earlier, I never questioned going back. It was just automatic. I didn't question whether that was what God wanted of me. I wasn't worried about His plan because I knew my plan. Welcome, idol. I put camp before God. Sounds like an oxymoron since it's a church camp, but it's the truth. God ranked under camp. PROBLEM! 

If these two things weren't enough to make my decision, there was still more. I started asking questions and having questions asked of me such as: 

Am I missing opportunities at home when I go to camp?

Am I as effective as I should be?

Is the ministry itself as effective as it should be? 

Am I growing in leadership skills as well as in my relationship with Christ?

What do I sacrifice to be at camp?

Do I go to camp for myself or for the ministry?

Am I so afraid of disappointing people that I take their input into consideration more than I should?

Am I obeying God or following my desires? 

After taking all of these questions into consideration as well as looking at my schedule, I came to a decision. It wasn't an easy decision, but sometimes God asks each one of us to do hard things in order to continue to grow in Him. He wants us to trust Him wholeheartedly, and let me be the first to say, If I weren't trusting Him, I probably wouldn't have made the decision I did. Yet, as soon as I knew what God was telling me to do, I was at peace. No more agonizing. No more worrying. No more bouncing back and forth between "yes" and "no". No looking back.  

One week ago today, I began the process of telling people that I have made the decision not to return to Dayton Oaks Camp this summer. I am not only stepping away from my role on staff, but am also stepping away from my role as the 1st-4th grade cabin camp coordinator. I made this decision for me. I made it for no one else. Well, except God.  

I have no doubt, come June, that I will miss it. For countless summers, I have packed up my car, moved into lodge room 8, and made my home away from home complete with decorating the walls. I will miss the staff who have become friends. I will miss summer pranks. I will miss gator rides. I will miss the campers. I will miss Saturday trips to Ames and Des Moines. I will miss campfires. I will miss the delicious food. I will miss seeing God work in people. I will miss being in nature, observing God's handiwork. I will miss the Top of the World. I will miss so many things. 

While I know I will miss all of these things, I also know that God has something great planned for this summer and summers to come. He has a plan for my life that I cannot fathom. And I am beyond excited to see what comes of this change.  

Are you listening to God's will for your life? Or are you following your own desires?