Have you ever had God speak to you so clearly you absolutely cannot miss it?
To ignore it would be like ignoring that your car is out of gas and you're just sitting on the side of the road. Or like ignoring that your bladder is so full the mere thought of water is a problem. Or like ignoring that pebble or, if you live in the Midwest, piece of ice melt that's in your shoe.
I have been wrestling with something for days, and today, God smacked me in the face with it. Not really smacked, but since I've become aware of it, there hasn't been a second I haven't been aware of it. The knot in my stomach reminding me that God is calling me to action appeared and hasn't let up. When I got off work, I felt I needed to come straight home and sit in his presence as he led me in this. I needed to let him guide me through the next steps, and this blog that I haven't touched in over a year and a half, seemed to be his next step for me to express what's going on.
My husband recently joined the Army National Guard, and while I am beyond proud of him for doing this, I am also not looking forward to the time he is away at Basic. I don't imagine that many newlyweds (we're still newlyweds, right?) enjoy the thought of being apart for four months at a time, but we're doing just that starting the end of April. He's been preparing- the beard has disappeared a few times, his hair has gotten shorter, and we've been going to the gym so he's physically fit to meet the demands Basic will bring.
Am I prepared for him to go? Absolutely not. I've been caught in this fear of being alone while he is gone. A fear that has brought me to tears. Yes, I know I have family and a few people we hang out with on a regular basis, but I know that I can't put all of the pressure on them to fill the void. For weeks, I've known 1) I need to rely on God during this time apart from him, but also 2) I need to have friends by my side. Friends that, I am afraid to say, don't exist on a regular basis at the moment.
Today, I was listening to a podcast of two woman of faith talking about how their friendships are so deeply meaningful and life-giving. These friends know so much about each other- every up and down, every loss, every win. They laugh with each other and cry with each other. They lean on each other when they feel like they have nothing left to give. They cherish each other through the good and the bad. As I listened, I knew with every fiber of my being that this is what I need, despite my husband leaving, but especially while he's gone. But how do you get there when you've never had friendships to that extent? When the friendships you could have had like this came to an abrupt halt? When the prospect of this type of friendship comes with the fear of hurt and burned bridges, something you've learned from past experiences?
While I have been hurt by others in the past, I can also own up to the fact that I have been the one who has done the hurting in many situations. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be perfect. But the good news is that I have a God who calls me to live by grace and not by perfection. God is calling me not only to show grace to others, but to also ask for grace from those I have hurt. God is calling me to leave the bitterness behind and begin anew. God is calling.
Today, I choose to listen to God's calling and begin mending friendships, starting friendships, and choosing friendship. Today, I choose to leave bitterness in the past and begin focusing on building healthy friendships. Today, I choose to show the grace that God has shown me. Today, I take a step in the right direction.
Will you join me?
No comments:
Post a Comment