Emma Marie Kiefer

Beautiful. 

Smart. 

Caring. 

Loving.

Funny. 
Compassionate.

Trustworthy.

Passionate. 

Outgoing.

Cheerful.

Thoughtful.

Easily scared. 

Adventurous. 

Honest.
Loyal.

Considerate. 

Talented.

Princess. 

Christian. 


These are just a few words that describe this beautiful, young woman, Emma. I could keep going, but you get the point. 




It's Sunday, October 27th, 2013. My phone rings at 8:26 A.M.. I'm not awake so I reach up, silence my phone, and roll back over into lala-land. Just as I get back to sleep, I get a text message. This time, I look at my phone. I read the text and my body goes instantly numb. This is not happening.

Emma was on her way home from babysitting when she was hit by another car. The phone call I had ignored was from her sister, who was calling to let me know. Part of me is thankful I didn't answer my phone so she didn't have to say it...again. 

I don't get to see Emma's family often, but that doesn't change the fact that they have become family to me. I've spent the last five summers with their family. The children are like the younger siblings I never had. Mama is like another mother to me. I would do anything for them. My summers at Dayton Oaks would not be the same without them. 

Emma brings so much joy and life to any room. If you're hanging out with Emma, you're guaranteed to have a good time. If you don't believe me, you've been missing out. Use this picture as a little bit of proof. When I first met Emma, she was extremely quiet and shy around me. Now, she is this crazy, fun-loving young woman. 

In the years since I met her, she has grown tremendously. Not just physically, emotionally, and maturity-wise. She has grown in her relationship with Christ and I could not be more proud of her. I often get texts from Emma where she is asking me how I would explain something to someone else or asking me to explain a concept that she doesn't understand. Those are the texts I live for. Emma is always striving to learn more and become more knowledgable in her relationship with Christ. I'm glad I can be a small part of that journey.

If you've never learned about Emma's quirks, you probably should. For instance, there is this guy, Josh the Lost Camper, that Emma is scared of. What makes this entertaining is that Josh the Lost Camper is fictional...and was made up by Emma. On her birthday the past few years, she's asked to go creek-stomping. Not many girls would have that as the birthday activity. This summer, Emma, her siblings, and I went to the zoo. Emma was so excited to see the baby rhinos, but much to our chagrin they didn't look like babies at all. She did fall in love with the kangaroos though. I wouldn't put it past Emma to own every animal on the planet someday.

The past few days, all I've been able to think about is Emma and her family.  Right now, there are so many questions for everyone. Emma has multiple surgeries ahead of her as well as a prolonged stay in the hospital. Her family's life has been interrupted and won't be the same for a very long time. Over the years, I have seen their family go through so many trials. It doesn't seem fair or right. They can't ever seem to catch a break, but they take it all in stride and do what they have to do. Without ever losing faith. This is one of the reasons I love their family so much.  

The night of her accident, I was texting Emma while she was babysitting. We were joking around about a picture I had gotten of her that day. I never dreamed that would be the last conversation I would get to have with her for a while. But, I also believe that is not the last conversation I will have with her. She is a strong woman of God and has too much left to do on this earth. Her desire has always been to help people and she is going to do just that. When this is all said and done, Emma is going to be an even stronger person. 

The night I was texting her, I didn't tell Emma that I love her. I didn't tell her how much she means to me. Those things seem to be unspoken. I know she knows those things. But, with her accident just hours later, it was a reminder that I need to tell people how I feel about them any chance I have. If Emma's story had ended another way, I wouldn't have another chance. Thank the Lord that He has other plans for her. Plans that require her to be here, even though the road is going to be tough for quite a while.

Emma, you are loved by so many. There are hundreds of people praying for you, wishing you a speedy recovery. Take time to get better. Know that you have people who will be with you every step of the way. Right now, there is only one set of footprints because God is carrying you in His arms to a safe recovery. My heart and prayers are with you. I will be with you and your family on Friday. I love you, little sister. 

For I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  ~Philippians 4:13  


Tell people how you feel. Don't take for granted that they already know. 

Pieces of Happy ~ Week Two

I started this forever ago when one of my blogging inspirations was doing a series called "Pieces of Happy" every Friday. From what I can tell, she isn't doing it anymore, but I think it would be great for me to get back to, especially since I am not where I thought I would be in life. So, without further ado, let's get to it.

My Pieces of Happy 

1. Camp.  Even though it wasn't long, it's always rejuvenating to be there. 

2. Surprises. My best friend showed up at camp after saying he couldn't come. He even went out of his way to make sure no one ruined the surprise. I'm sure the look on my face was priceless. It made my week!

3. Opportunities. I applied to go on a mission trip with the company I work for...for free.

4. Free coffee. My high school choir director did a "random act of kindness" in the Starbucks drive-thru because he was ALMOST POSITIVE (quoting him) I was in the car behind him.

5. Co-workers. You'd have to meet them to understand. Let's just say one of my co-workers recently reenacted "Hocus Pocus" by riding the vacuum like a broomstick...then we dressed up like Uncle Si from "Duck Dynasty".

6. Counseling License. I received my Iowa school counseling license late last week.  

7. Long-lost friends. I saw several high school friends on Tuesday for a funeral. Hopefully next time I see them, it's under better circumstances. 

8. Consistency. I'm getting into a daily routine.  

  9. God's presence. I'm starting to feel like I'm exactly where I need to be. 

10. Reading. So much time to read. Love it!

I'm blessed with a life that may not always be easy, but is completely according to God's plan. He's helping me see that His plans are better than any I could have dreamed or wanted.

To close, I am going to share some words of wisdom that were printed in Curt Turner's (my friend's dad) bulletin at his funeral. He passed away last week after a thirteen month battle with cancer, but kept a positive attitude through it all. 

What are your reasons to laugh? 

The Problem with Lusting after Love

Back in May, I wrote a blog post on my reasoning for being single. Four months later, I am still single and still reading books about single living/dating. The book that has inspired this post is, unlike the previous book, a book I did not plan to read. In fact, I was sort of making fun of people who read this book. The back sounded so corny. The author wrote another book I that made me question how you could ever get married if you "kissed dating goodbye". Needless to say, after a few days of silently judging the people who read this book, I was browsing at Barnes & Noble, picked it up, was intrigued, purchased it, and was done with it three days later. The book I am talking about is, of course, Joshua Harris' "Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship". 

Okay. First problem. Courtship? Really?!? What does that even mean? Courtship is from, like, 100 years ago. That term is SOO old-fashioned. 

As I read the book though, it started to make sense. I still don't like the word "courtship", but the concept behind it caught my attention and really resonated with me. Courtship could be summed up like this: 

1) Taking time to become friends with a person of the opposite sex. 

2) Being candid about your desire to "court" someone WITH the intention of seeing if the courtship will lead to marriage. 

3) Being intentional about getting to know each other on a deeper level through pointed questions, activities, and spending time in real life (with family, running errands, church), not just on dates. 

A lot of you might think this sounds like what the world calls dating, but there are distinct differences. The biggest difference was mentioned in number two above. You are courting the person with the intention to discover if you are suppose to marry this person. It is not dating for the sake of dating. Many people feel pressured to date and think that physical attraction and "liking" the other person is reason enough to be together. It's not. There are so many varying elements that go into a relationship actually working and leading to marriage. Physical attraction and feeling butterflies does not form a basis for marriage...or even a healthy relationship.     

The second difference, and the actual reason for this post, is that with courting, there is less (or more, depending on how you look at it) of a focus on the physical aspect of the relationship. People who choose to court are often extremely mindful of what happens physically in the relationship. They talk it out and may even make a list of what the physical aspect of their courtship will look like. This could even include going to what others would consider is an extreme and not even kissing until the wedding day. Sounds crazy, right? But there's terrific reasoning behind their choices.

Glorifying God.

Think about it. When you get into a typical dating relationship, there is so much pressure to conform to the standards of the world. You think, "Well, my friends are all kissing their significant others and spending time alone." Time alone usually leads to physical contact, which you may not actually be ready for or even want. Boys are questioned about their conquests and praised when they've finally had sex with a girl. It's like some sort of sick rite of passage for boys these days. Girls in the same position end up being called a slut. One choice, or lack thereof, can define who people believe you are, especially when it comes to sexual aspects. And once you're there, it's hard to go back.   

Just kissing can make you lust after even more intimacy. Once you've kissed someone, it can quickly become the norm in the relationship. It's expected, nothing too special about it anymore. So, where does that lead? Either you start having more physical contact or you start fantasizing about what is beyond the kissing. It's easy to get caught up in how physical intimacy makes you feel, which propels the relationship into further intimacy, actual or imagined. Within this context, it's easy to put more focus on the physical aspects instead of the emotional, spiritual, intellectual and relational (getting to know each other) aspects.

Let me be clear. When I speak of physical intimacy, I'm not just referring to sex. Physical intimacy can include kissing, cuddling, laying down together, touching inappropriately, etc.  

When this becomes the case and you get wrapped up in the physical aspects of the relationship, it's hard to separate it from the rest of your relationship. I've heard of people who stay in a relationship even when they're unhappy because the are so caught up in the physical relationship. The feelings that come from being physical seem to start to outweigh every other aspect. It's like an addiction you can't seem to let go of.

When the relationship finally does fall apart, a person is often left with regrets from the relationship. Even as a Christian throughout all of my relationships, I can say that I have regrets from past relationships. I'm still a virgin, but back in the day (high school), I was easily swayed by what others were doing. I wasn't concerned with what was glorifying to God, but what made me and my significant other "feel" closer. I made mistakes. I know it. For the record, physical intimacy does not fix lack of communication or make goals and dreams align. It just doesn't work that way. 

As I've said before, I haven't been in any type of dating/courting situation for almost 7 years. That doesn't change the fact that when I am finally in a relationship, I will have to be honest about the mistakes I've made in past relationships. I guarantee it won't be an easy conversation to have. Sure, I could try to hide it, but that in itself isn't glorifying to God. Mistakes in relationships are baggage that will never go away. And if I get into another relationship that doesn't work out, I don't want to have to add more physical baggage to the list.     

As you approach a relationship, become mindful of what you and your significant other expect in the relationship. This means being open and honest with each other. Some of the conversations you have may be uncomfortable, but when you're both on the same page, you make wiser choices. 

We are called to glorify God in all we do. Relationships are not exempt from that.

What needs to change for your relationship to be glorifying to God? 

  

Quit Shoulding Yourself

For about the past month, I have been pretty anxious about my future. With the debacle I shared in my last blog, I haven't known what I am going to do for the next year while I continue to look for school counseling jobs. I had options in mind, but here's what I knew. 

I should get a job that pays well.

I should find a job that is going to give me benefits.

I should get a job, no matter what. It doesn't matter if I absolutely despise it as long as I can pay my student loans.

I should make rational, worldly choices about this.     

I've been having what seems like an ongoing conversation about this for a month now with several different people. Some of this conversation has been from extremely unlikely sources. A new friend I have talked to almost every day for the past month, a college friend, and a person I had met 5 minutes prior to having this conversation. 

The gist of this conversation comes down to this: 

1) Don't freak out about the future. It doesn't help anything.

2) Use your God-given gifts to pursue what you are passionate about. 

3) Work hard to get where God wants you, but do not sit around waiting for it to be handed to you. 

This is where "shoulding" comes in. (Thanks to the friend who came up with this term.) 

So often, we get so caught up in what we should be doing. We should be getting a good job. We should be looking for that one person to spend the rest of life with. We should work out in the morning because... We should be making sure life is comfortable by having enough money, material possessions, perfect routine, etc. so we don't have to worry about how we are going to do this or that. We should be doing all of these things to become successful in others' eyes. 

We are missing the point.  

The only thing that truly matters is what we do that is glorifying to God and is helping others to come to know Him. He doesn't care about the "shoulds". 

The "shoulding" we do is pointless. Worthless. Most of the time, these "shoulds" are out of obligation to other people, responsibilities (bills and such), and comfort. They are typically not out of a heart for serving and glorifying God.

We need to learn to quit "shoulding" ourselves and learn to follow God. We have become so comfortable making decisions for ourselves, we don't think that God needs to have a say in what we're doing with our lives. If I'm prosperous, God's happy with that, right? Ya, he may be happy, but that doesn't mean we're doing what is most pleasing to Him. 

I'm pretty sure that, as evidenced by the Bible, God could care less about how much we have or how prosperous we are. He wants us to live a life that is bringing others to Him. Material possessions aren't needed for that. In fact, the rich young ruler was told to sell all of his material possessions in order to inherit the Kingdom. He couldn't understand God's will with everything else clouding his vision. 

We have to get past caring what other people think of us and the "shoulds" in life and focus more on what is pleasing and glorifying to God. 

If God has given you a heart and passion for something and is calling you to it, do you not believe He is going to provide for you in the midst of you following His call?

QUIT SHOULDING YOURSELF! 

What are you doing strictly because you "should"?  

The Debacle

As many of you know, I graduated in May with my degree in School Counseling. With the anticipation of graduating, I began applying for counseling positions in February. 

I was so excited and terrified when I had my first interview in March. Excited that I had the opportunity to begin my career. Terrified because part of the interview consisted of teaching a kindergarten class a lesson. I'm still waiting on a call about whether or not I got that job...

The rest of the school year I sent out applications that resulted in several emails telling me the positions had been filled. 

My next interview didn't happen until June, but it was exciting to get that call while I was laying on a beach in Hawai'i. I thought this interview went well, especially when they showed me around both schools I would be working in after originally giving me the choice to go to the middle school. The result? No job offer. 

The third interview was near camp, which made me super excited and hopeful. The interview went well and I was told I'd hear something within a few days. A few days turned into at least a week, but I was in contact with the principal every few days. One of these phone calls, I was told I was a finalist for the position. When I finally got the call, it was another "No". 

The fourth interview was just a few short weeks ago. I wasn't even going to go to the interview because of the flexible calendar schedule the school is on. It was a problem when I thought about camp. I decided to go anyway because it would at least be a job for the school year and I could find something else for next year. The principal put me through what she called "The Spanish Inquisition" then showed me around the school. I got a job offer on the spot! I accepted, then freaked out because they wanted me to start in two days. I had to find a place to live so I could start work. I left and looked for an apartment. Four hours after I got the job offer, the principal called and revoked the offer. The only thing she would tell me was that what my references said changed her mind. The only specific detail she gave me was that I didn't have a teaching degree. It made no sense though because I made that clear in my interview. There had to be more that my references said that I wasn't being told.

Needless to say, my references have now been changed on everything. If I had to guess who ruined the job offer for me, I could tell you in a heartbeat without any hesitation. The problem I have with this is that none of my internship supervisors expressed anything that would have made me think they would ruin a job offer for me. What did they say? What did I do wrong during my internship? How am I supposed to change if they don't tell me what I need to improve? How many other jobs didn't I get because of what my references said?

I had another job interview last week, with my new references. I would call this more of a "go-through-the-motion" interview though. Not for me, but for the school. They hired someone into the position that already worked in the school district, yet isn't qualified for the position.

I've let go of the anger, anxiety, and confusion of everything that has happened with these interviews. It doesn't do any good to hold onto these emotions. I've learned through each interview yet had more questions raised than answered.

I don't know exactly where I'm going from here. There aren't any counseling jobs open anymore as the school year has started in most places. I'll be licensed in both Iowa and South Dakota so will keep looking for jobs that might pop up in the middle of the school year. Until then, I have been thinking about several options, but don't know what is going to happen. All I know is that through the help of God and my family, I am going to get through this year. Maybe with a little more focus than I had anticipated on myself rather than on my job.     

What are you struggling with? 

Error of Entitlement

Before you even dive into this blog, I am going to put a disclaimer out that I am probably going to ruffle some feathers. Rub people the wrong way. Irritate people. Offend people. If you get easily offended, you should probably stop here. Before you even start. 

"I don't want to."

"I shouldn't have to."

"I don't need to."

"I..."

"I..."

"I..."

The world we live in is focused on one's selfish ambitions, dreams, and desires.


As I've entered my mid-twenties, I've become vividly aware of how focused people are on themselves. "I have to do this. I have to do that. I can't do that for you. I don't have time for that." It's actually quite sickening. People are so caught up in their every day lives and what they have to do that they don't see how their actions are affecting other people. Or not affecting other people. They don't see how their time can make a difference. How their actions say a lot about who they are as a person.

By the way, I'm not saying I'm innocent in all of this.

I've been reading through the Old Testament recently. I can't help but think about how people such as Ruth gave up everything to follow someone she loved dearly. She sacrificed what she knew for the unknown. It probably wasn't comfortable, but she still did it. David went up against Goliath when all odds were against him. All logic said he should have been crushed by Goliath, but instead, he defeated Goliath with one stone. All because of his faith, willingness to follow God, and lack of focus on himself.

These people should be an inspiration to live beyond ourselves. Instead, we seem to hear stories such as these and write them off as inapplicable. Everything is different now. Life doesn't work like that anymore. It's more complicated than that. I'm already doing all of these other things. How could I possibly do that when I have all these other things to worry about?

There's always an excuse.

Along with the excuses that come off as entitlement ("I'm too good for that") comes a lack of commitment. So often people say they are going to do certain things and there is no follow-thru. I think of New Year's Resolutions. Yes, they are typically individual goals, but there is no real commitment. By February, we look at the list and laugh at all of the items that we've already failed to do. (I made a list and couldn't tell you where it is. How do you think I'm doing on those resolutions?)

Then there's the over-commitment that results in a lack of commitment. You have two events scheduled for the same time so you have to pick and choose. It seems as if you're committed to one activity and not the other. You pick the one you're more attracted to, the one you enjoy the most. Without thinking about how it's going to look to and affect all those involved in the other activity, the one that isn't as important. Without even knowing it, you've just caused harm to relationships within the group because not being there says just as much as being there.

These actions come of as entitlement. You only have to do what you want to do. Nothing else matters but your own happiness. Fulfill your own dreams and desires.    

 What would happen if, for once, we quit thinking about ourselves and put others before us?

Truly stopped to think about how we are affecting those around us?

We need to stop focusing on our own selfish motives. God's not worried about how many organizations we belong to or which ones we attend regularly. He's not worried about the number of places we go or the amount of work we do or don't do. He's not worried about the clothes you wear, the phone you have, or other frivolous material things.

God wants us to be giving our all to further His Kingdom. By focusing on others. When we are concentrating on our desires, we are too blinded to see what others need. Hence, there is a sense of entitlement that says only "I" matter. 

Over and over in the Bible, we are told that the second greatest commandment is to "Love your neighbor as yourself". It's not "focus on yourself" or "make sure you get to do everything you want to do". It's "Love your neighbor as yourself". Then, let's flip to the story of the rich, young ruler (Luke 18:18-30) who is told that to have treasure in heaven, he must sell everything he has. He's too caught up in himself to do anything truly productive for the Kingdom of God. He doesn't recognize the needs of his neighbors, or even God. He needs to give up everything that has become more important than God in order to have a life with God. Giving up these things will make it easier to follow God, which then results in seeing others' needs more clearly.

We, as Christians, need to take this account to heart. God did not create us to be entitled. God is calling us to something greater than our present circumstances. He's calling us to make a difference in other people. But, we have to be willing to give up what stands in the way. For most of us, it's believing we're entitled to what we already have.

Get rid of the entitlement that says you deserve and should have everything you want. The entitlement that says your happiness is more important than others' happiness. The entitlement that says it's okay to back out of a commitment strictly because "I don't want to". The entitlement that makes you so comfortable you don't want to experience anything else. The entitlement that says others don't matter.

It won't be easy. It may be the hardest thing you do in your life. But, God is right there with you. Every step of the way.
"I will never leave you nor will I forsake you."

What's in the way of you serving the Kingdom and following God completely?  

My Dysfunctional Family

For those of you that have been waiting for almost a month for a new post, I apologize. Being present at camp was more important than writing about camp. Nonetheless, I'm back and will be writing about significant events from summer and my current journey. 

Tonight, I write about the best Friday night I've had in a long time.

To set this up, you should probably be aware that my evening was spent with eight other people, six of whom had spent the week counseling 1st-4th graders while I coordinated the camp. AKA...we were already tired before the night began.

A couple of us had been planning this evening since before summer had even started so we were pretty excited. We had a night of Hickory Park (a delicious restaurant about 45 minutes from camp) and Perfect Games (bowling, arcade, and laser tag) planned. Because the group got so large the week leading up to the evening, we had to take two cars. I ended up with three of the youngest and one other person in my car. I was okay with this because I got my little sister and my best friend. If that's not a good car trip, I don't know what is.

My car made it to Hickory Park way before the other car so we had to wait outside to be seated. I can't tell you exactly what our conversations were, but I can tell you that we laughed a lot.

The real fun, or should I say craziness, began when the whole group was together and seated in the restaurant.   

I left out some essential information about the friends I was spending the evening with. As I said before, there were eight of them. The distinguishing factor is that they were all between the ages of 13 and 20. I'm 25. Yes, sometimes I ask for it..willingly spending my evening with people significantly younger than me. But, I would NOT trade my time with them for anything.

During the course of the meal, people fought over crayons, purposely ruined each other's drawings, crawled under the booth to get out, ate whole chickens off a knife, and tried to summon the waiter in entirely wrong ways.

It was during this ridiculous meal that we became a family. Not just an unspoken family though. Somehow, I became an adoptive mom to these crazy eight kids. So, let me tell you a bit about my family.

My youngest is a thirteen year old girl who loves to read. My next youngest is a set of fourteen year old identical twins- one black boy and one white girl. I have a fifteen year old son, who is about a foot taller than me and is my best friend. My next is another set of twins who are seventeen, one boy and one girl. They look nothing alike. I have an eighteen year old son who just graduated from high school. My oldest is a twenty-year old girl who has been in college pursuing photography. Her pictures are amazing. Three of them are gingers. This is my "Dysfunctional Family".

After supper, we headed to Perfect Games for some laser tag and cosmic bowling. That is...after time spent watching my fourteen year old son twerk in the parking lot. For the record, twerking is entirely inappropriate.

Laser tag was a bit of a fail for me. I couldn't get my gun to work so everyone else got to play while I tried to get that fixed. It's impossible to do when the person in charge of laser tag disappears. Because I and one of my sons didn't get to play, we got arcade cards to use.

We bowled. I did pretty well. I think I got second or third overall. I enjoyed the conversations I was able to have in-between my bowling the most. I got to talk to several of my friends and some of them turned into meaningful conversations.

In the arcade, I pretty much watched my fourteen and fifteen year old sons play games. They enjoyed it way more than I would have.

  When we left Perfect Games, the plan was to meet at Wal-Mart. Well, we didn't specific which Wal-Mart so we ended up at two different stores. That was a little disappointing. But my car of people had a whole lot of fun. As it was a nice evening, our time in town was spent with the windows rolled down, yelling at anyone and everyone on the streets that Jesus loves them. Some of the looks we got were priceless!

The night was filled with fun, friends, and food. More than that, I was so happy I was able to spend the evening with people who are pursuing a relationship with Christ. Who know how to have fun, but can do it without being mean to others. Who can make a fool of themselves and be okay with it. I bonded with several of my "children" in a way I had never done before. I am happy I can call my family my friends. They are people I can rely on and can rely on me. People I look forward to seeing from the time I separate from them. People I have come to love. And people I couldn't imagine life without. If I could have a night like that every week, I would be one happy lady.

Who do you cherish? 

Inadequacy Abounding

The past couple of weeks have been rough. I'm not saying I haven't enjoyed many of the experiences I have had the past few weeks. I'm saying that Satan has been attacking me in very real ways. He has made me feel that: 

I am not good enough. 

I don't have what it takes. 

I'm not making a difference. 

Everything I do is incorrect. 

These haven't simply been thoughts in my head. It wasn't like I decided one day that I feel inadequate without any cause to feel this way. People have said things to me that have made me feel I'm not good enough and am wrong in what I do. People have implied things that made me feel insufficient. Certain events have made me feel like a failure and that I don't have what it takes.  

Last week, I made a decision to leave camp to go to a job interview. When I returned to camp, I was called out in front of all of the campers for leaving "without permission". I was doing what I have to do in order to try to secure a future job, but in that moment, I felt like I was wrong for going to this interview. (For the record, no, I didn't ask for permission because I was going either way, but I did inform the necessary people I was going and no stink was raised then.)

At the beginning of this week, I came across a cup that said "It's all Heather's fault". It doesn't matter who it belongs to, but it's ironic that it was made last week when I was barely around the staff because I was a counselor. In the past, I've gotten in trouble for being in the kitchen too much while counseling so I've stayed away from the kitchen as much as possible this summer while I'm a counselor. Yet, it's all my fault. The saying, "You're darned if you do. You're darned if you don't." seems so fitting right here. 

Just a few days ago, I was told I wasn't cleaning mud-dobbers out well enough to paint over them. Really? I'm getting crap about something as silly as that? And I felt inadequate because of it. 

Then, there's that comment that was made in passing about an aspect of my physical appearance. An aspect that I have no control over. An aspect I have already been self-conscious about as long as I can remember. As hard as I could try, it would never change without a miracle from God. And He's got more important things to worry about than my appearance. Low self-esteem comes from comments like the one I heard. 

To top it all off, today I finally got a call I have been anticipating for over a week. You know? The one where you get rejected from a job. This has been the theme of my summer. The third rejection. As the window to find a job dwindles, the rejections become harder. Especially because I knew this time I was one of two finalists. The other person was better than me. There have been three instances where at least one other person has been better than me. It leaves me wondering if I truly have what it takes. What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?

These events have been building off each other. One playing onto the next, which has made the feelings of inadequacy even stronger. Do I truly believe I'm inadequate? At this time, I don't know what I believe. But, I know that Satan is doing a dang good job at making me doubt myself. Satan's enjoying the feelings I'm having because it means I can't put my best foot forward in glorifying God. 

I. HATE. SATAN. 

In all of this, God is still good. He is still present. It's hard for me to believe it through my feelings, but I know it's true. As I was driving back from spending time with some friends this afternoon, I had my iPod on shuffle in a playlist I had made months, if not years, ago. Many of the songs seemed to speak to my feelings of inadequacy and doubt, but that's not why I had chosen the playlist. Just as I was getting ready to pull into camp, the song, "Blue Skies" by Point of Grace came on and I was struck by its truth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1ehYzopr_g

As I sang along, I had tears in my eyes because, even though I'm not ready to admit it, I know deep down that God has a plan for me. One that is greater than the three jobs I've been rejected. Greater than everything being my fault. Greater than cleaning out mud-dobber nests.    

What kind of feelings have you been having about yourself? 

Getting Real with God

Think about a day, week, or event that you look forward to every summer. It can be anything. Going to a certain vacation spot, laying out in the sun, seeing someone you really enjoy. Anything. Anything at all. Do you have it? Good. Now, imagine something happening during this time that makes it even more special, more enjoyable, more memorable. Maybe you've had an experience like this. If you have, I bet you're smiling right now, remembering the exact details. If you haven't, you're imagining what it would be, aren't you? Now, it's my turn. 

One week I look forward to every summer is high school camp. Don't get me wrong, I love every week I'm at camp, but there is something special about high school camp. The campers, most of the time, are getting to the point where they can have real, honest conversations about God, life, etc. They are truly curious and want to draw closer to God during their time at camp so they can go home and be different, act differently, and impact others differently. 

I won't lie. The first couple of days were a flop spiritually. The coordinator was very honest in her feelings of being a failure. Small group discussions weren't going as in-depth as expected. There were definite "cliques", which made small group cohesion difficult, which in turn affected willingness to share within those groups. To sum it up, Satan had hold of all of us. 

We needed something, anything, to happen that would shake us. To loosen the grip Satan had on the week.

I knew something was happening on Wednesday evening when I found two campers off by themselves having what looked like a very heated conversation. Indeed, the conversation revolved around the lack of focus on God, the focus on building relationships, and what needed to be done to change this. One of these campers had written a poem the night before that addressed his frustrations with the week. I didn't get to hear it during this original conversation, but I was positive God was moving when this conversation ended with prayer, initiated by a camper. 

Campfire that night was amazing. The camper whom had written the poem shared it towards the beginning of campfire. The poem was all about how we were concerned with relationships, games, fun, etc. while we were sacrificing and missing God in everything we were doing. We were essentially going through the motions and paying no attention to God. The poem set the tone for what was to come that evening (which none of us had knowledge of). 

A college student from Ottawa was asked to speak that night, but no one knew what he was going to talk about. He ended up talking about Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. He had even brought out a cross with three nails in it. Everyone was asked to take turns hitting the nails as they remembered what Christ had done for us. Cue the tears.   

At the end of his lesson, we had a time of prayer where campers were able to go to the counselors to pray. This was a moving experience, as campers praying with counselors turned into campers praying with campers. At one point, I looked around the campfire and saw brother praying with brother and their sister praying with two other campers. Their leadership and heart for God brought tears to my eyes. (If any of you are reading this, I admire your relationship with each other and God.)

After a while, many campers left to use the restroom and were told they didn't have to come back. Guess what? Every single one of them came back. One even came back with Bible in hand to look up verses that were referenced during campfire. 

I have never seen anything like this. Campers leave and come back on their own free will. Even after they were all dismissed, no one left. Not one. They wanted to stay and worship a God that had revealed Himself through that camper's poem and that counselor's message. God had shown Himself in a way that was desperately needed. And it changed the tone of the rest of the week. 

That evening was out of anybody's control. God worked through that camper, that counselor, even the coordinator who was feeling lost. When we come to Him broken and frustrated, He shows up in miraculous ways. In ways that no one would expect. That's the beauty of God. He comes to show us a new way. Not a way that we already recognize in our day-to-day lives. He's here to renew us and call us to something greater. Something He has prepared for us. We have to be willing to listen and be moved when He calls us into action. 

What is God calling you to do?    

Getting Out of My Comfort Zone

"The young women will dance for joy, 

and the men- old and young- will join in the celebration."

Jeremiah 31:13 

This weekend was a weekend of love, joy, and celebration. One of my closest friends and the best roommate ever, Abby, got married! I had the pleasure of standing up with her as one of her bridesmaids. I couldn't have been more honored to help her celebrate in this way. I just wish I could have been around more last week during all of the pre-wedding festivities. 

I've only stood up in two weddings before- both of them for family members. One was my cousin when I was still in middle school and the other was my sister's wedding when I was in high school. Being able to be a bridesmaid for Abby- the first time I wasn't a bridesmaid for a relative- made the occasion even more special. Abby is the only roommate I had in college that I still talk to on a regular basis. I would even venture to say she's the only one of them that I am still truly friends with after living together. Maybe a character flaw of mine that I chased all of the others away? 

Seeing as this was the first non-relative wedding, it was exciting yet a little bit nerve-wracking. Let's be honest, standing on stairs in three-inch heels during the ceremony is harder than it sounds. And walking across a specific stair is nearly impossible without paying close attention to where your feet are landing, especially when the stair has sharp corners you have to consider. I won't admit that I almost fell down the stairs during one of the prayers due to losing my balance in my heels. Note: Closed eyes + high heels + stairs = BAD! Even though I like heels and I wear them often, there's just something about knowing you're in the spotlight that makes it so much more difficult to walk or stand in them. 

My real comfort zone issues have to do with the reception though, specifically the dance. 

I. DO. NOT. LIKE. TO. DANCE.   

Those of you who have known me for a while are probably baffled by that, thinking, "You were in show choir". For me, there's a big difference between show choir and dancing. I like to call it choreography. In show choir, there is a group of people doing the exact same thing. At dances, there is no choreography. You're free to do whatever you feel. 

I feel like standing like a lamp post.   

I don't know what it was about this dance, but I wasn't a lamp post last night. It may have been the live band and the fact that the singer was one of my friends. It may have been that even though I knew of a lot of the people at the wedding, I didn't actually know them. To be honest, I think I could say I know 4 people that were there (and that includes the bride). All of my other close friends that should have been there, unfortunately couldn't make it. 

Dancing is awkward. People are looking and I know I'm going to make a fool of myself. During one particular song, only one other person and I were on the dance floor. This is when I would normally leave and make a beeline for my chair. I didn't though. Instead, we looked at each other, turned away from everyone that was watching, and kept dancing. Not me at all.

And you know what? 

I'm still alive. I didn't die of embarrassment. No one laughed at me. AND...I had a blast. 

This wedding was the best wedding I have ever attended. Not because I liked the bride and groom any more than I did other brides and grooms (heck, I've never even had a conversation with this groom), but because of my attitude. I decided to put my fear of embarrassment and awkwardness aside and just have fun. I didn't care what people thought. I was having fun celebrating my close friend's wedding and that's all that mattered. It didn't matter if the cute guy on the other side of the dance floor thought I looked like an idiot. It didn't matter that I had absolutely no clue what I was actually doing. I was dancing in joy as Jeremiah 31:13 talks about. My joy from the fact that the sweetest, most caring, gracious, yet totally sarcastic (to me) woman was so full of love for her husband-to-be that you could see it on her face the entire day.

I can't tell you when, or even if, getting out of my comfort zone in this way will ever happen again, but I can tell you that I'm happy it happened. It was a great reminder that good results can come out of things I fear, don't enjoy, etc. I've heard it said several times that much of our growth happens when we're out of our comfort zone. Ironically, when I got out of my comfort zone at that dance, a part of me actually felt more comfortable. Almost like I was free from trying to appear like I have it all together. I know what I'm doing. I cared less what others thought of me in the moment. Maybe I will be able to carry this over into future situations so I can get out of my comfort zone more often.  

How can you get out of your comfort zone this week? 

Turtle, Tortuga, & Honu

While I was in Hawai'i, I made one post on a Friday about my pieces of happy that week. (I know, I've failed to post since then. Transitions from one event to another are time-consuming and the blog was the last thing on my mind for a little while.)

Anywho, one of my pieces of happy was about seeing turtles in their natural habitat. Here are just a few pictures of the turtles I found at Papanuu Beach, also known as the "Black Sand Beach". 

The turtles in this first picture were laying on eggs (or so said the sign in front of them). My family is pretty sure that the turtle in the second picture was actually stuck in between the rocks near shore. 

The turtles were so peaceful. They just laid there, hardly moving. Some, I'm pretty sure didn't move at all. I saw a few lift up their heads and look around, but the others just relaxed on the sand. 

So, I seem to have this obsession with turtles. I even disturbed one of the turtles to take a picture with it. Sounds like something I would do. I had to be careful though because I was told that turtle could move quickly if it felt threatened. 

I know, you're all waiting to hear about the significance of the turtle. 

To understand though, we have to go back in time...to sixth grade. For some that wasn't long ago. For me, that was 13 years ago. 

In sixth grade, I transferred to a new school, the school my mom worked at as a sixth grade teacher. I was placed on her team, which meant she was my teacher. Not important though.

 One of her co-workers was a guy named Jason Hirschbach. Mr. H, as he was often called, was a short man. Most of the sixth grade students were as tall as him. He liked to joke around...A LOT! Most of the memories I have from him in sixth grade have to do with him telling ridiculously stupid jokes, singing silly songs about one-legged chickens or babies wee-weeing (yes, you read that correctly), and playing hundreds of games of Mancala after finishing homework in Social Studies.

Throughout my middle school years, I spent a significant amount of time in his room after school waiting for my mom to go home for the night. This allowed us a lot of time to talk and build a relationship beyond a teacher/student. We became friends. 

In eighth grade, I became friends with two girls who had been on my team in sixth grade, but didn't know well during sixth grade. Hanging out with them, I found out they called Mr H. "Turtle". It stuck and I started to call him that too. Until I discovered that the Spanish word for turtle was "Tortuga". I had my new nickname for him! One only I used. 

Throughout high school, I had a lot of fun with his new nickname. A man who didn't grow up with technology, I often changed Tortuga's screensaver on his school computer to say something about "Tortuga". His co-workers always played dumb like they didn't know how to change it and it would stay like that until I came back and changed it...usually to something else about "Tortuga". His students loved finding messages I left at night. 

One of many letters I received over the years.

Sometime over these years, he decided I needed a nickname as well. I became "Fishy" since I was an avid swimmer when I met him. I'm not sure we used each other's names often at all. 

Moving to college, I obviously wasn't around as often as I had been in high school. Tortuga didn't let that stop him though. He got my school address from my mom and I would receive letters and "fish food" (money) typically once a month. The fish food was a secret between the two of us so I trust you will keep our secret. :) 

Unfortunately, Tortuga was diagnosed with cancer while I was in college. He fought it strong and hard for many years, but once it came back, there was no stopping it. Tortuga passed away on Christmas Eve in 2010. Christmas morning was pretty rough that year. 

Tortuga was an inspiration to me. He was almost like a second dad. He took me under his wing, made sure I was getting taken care of (and even spoiled), and always had words of encouragement that usually came at times when I was doubting myself. It was like he knew without even having to talk to me.     

Since Tortuga's passing, turtles have become a bit of an obsession. I learned in Hawai'i that turtles, "Honu" in Hawaiian, represent protection and longevity. That seems so fitting for my relationship with Tortuga. I have slowly been collecting turtle items and every time I see a turtle, I am reminded of a man who went above and beyond his call as a teacher and invested time building a relationship with a girl who appreciated the support, advice, and friendship over several years. 

In the coming years, I look forward to proudly telling students I encounter about the teacher who invested time in me when it wasn't required of him and how much of an impact that had on my life. I will also proudly display turtles in remembrance of Tortuga. I recently purchased this necklace in Hawai'i and can't wait to wear it!

In closing, since I know I've written a book, I'd like to share a quote Tortuga used to say constantly. 

"NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A SMILE"

Who has been an inspiration in your life?