The past couple of weeks have been rough. I'm not saying I haven't enjoyed many of the experiences I have had the past few weeks. I'm saying that Satan has been attacking me in very real ways. He has made me feel that:
I am not good enough.
I don't have what it takes.
I'm not making a difference.
Everything I do is incorrect.
These haven't simply been thoughts in my head. It wasn't like I decided one day that I feel inadequate without any cause to feel this way. People have said things to me that have made me feel I'm not good enough and am wrong in what I do. People have implied things that made me feel insufficient. Certain events have made me feel like a failure and that I don't have what it takes.
Last week, I made a decision to leave camp to go to a job interview. When I returned to camp, I was called out in front of all of the campers for leaving "without permission". I was doing what I have to do in order to try to secure a future job, but in that moment, I felt like I was wrong for going to this interview. (For the record, no, I didn't ask for permission because I was going either way, but I did inform the necessary people I was going and no stink was raised then.)
At the beginning of this week, I came across a cup that said "It's all Heather's fault". It doesn't matter who it belongs to, but it's ironic that it was made last week when I was barely around the staff because I was a counselor. In the past, I've gotten in trouble for being in the kitchen too much while counseling so I've stayed away from the kitchen as much as possible this summer while I'm a counselor. Yet, it's all my fault. The saying, "You're darned if you do. You're darned if you don't." seems so fitting right here.
Just a few days ago, I was told I wasn't cleaning mud-dobbers out well enough to paint over them. Really? I'm getting crap about something as silly as that? And I felt inadequate because of it.
Then, there's that comment that was made in passing about an aspect of my physical appearance. An aspect that I have no control over. An aspect I have already been self-conscious about as long as I can remember. As hard as I could try, it would never change without a miracle from God. And He's got more important things to worry about than my appearance. Low self-esteem comes from comments like the one I heard.
To top it all off, today I finally got a call I have been anticipating for over a week. You know? The one where you get rejected from a job. This has been the theme of my summer. The third rejection. As the window to find a job dwindles, the rejections become harder. Especially because I knew this time I was one of two finalists. The other person was better than me. There have been three instances where at least one other person has been better than me. It leaves me wondering if I truly have what it takes. What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?
These events have been building off each other. One playing onto the next, which has made the feelings of inadequacy even stronger. Do I truly believe I'm inadequate? At this time, I don't know what I believe. But, I know that Satan is doing a dang good job at making me doubt myself. Satan's enjoying the feelings I'm having because it means I can't put my best foot forward in glorifying God.
I. HATE. SATAN.
In all of this, God is still good. He is still present. It's hard for me to believe it through my feelings, but I know it's true. As I was driving back from spending time with some friends this afternoon, I had my iPod on shuffle in a playlist I had made months, if not years, ago. Many of the songs seemed to speak to my feelings of inadequacy and doubt, but that's not why I had chosen the playlist. Just as I was getting ready to pull into camp, the song, "Blue Skies" by Point of Grace came on and I was struck by its truth.
As I sang along, I had tears in my eyes because, even though I'm not ready to admit it, I know deep down that God has a plan for me. One that is greater than the three jobs I've been rejected. Greater than everything being my fault. Greater than cleaning out mud-dobber nests.
What kind of feelings have you been having about yourself?
No comments:
Post a Comment