The Problem with Lusting after Love

Back in May, I wrote a blog post on my reasoning for being single. Four months later, I am still single and still reading books about single living/dating. The book that has inspired this post is, unlike the previous book, a book I did not plan to read. In fact, I was sort of making fun of people who read this book. The back sounded so corny. The author wrote another book I that made me question how you could ever get married if you "kissed dating goodbye". Needless to say, after a few days of silently judging the people who read this book, I was browsing at Barnes & Noble, picked it up, was intrigued, purchased it, and was done with it three days later. The book I am talking about is, of course, Joshua Harris' "Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship". 

Okay. First problem. Courtship? Really?!? What does that even mean? Courtship is from, like, 100 years ago. That term is SOO old-fashioned. 

As I read the book though, it started to make sense. I still don't like the word "courtship", but the concept behind it caught my attention and really resonated with me. Courtship could be summed up like this: 

1) Taking time to become friends with a person of the opposite sex. 

2) Being candid about your desire to "court" someone WITH the intention of seeing if the courtship will lead to marriage. 

3) Being intentional about getting to know each other on a deeper level through pointed questions, activities, and spending time in real life (with family, running errands, church), not just on dates. 

A lot of you might think this sounds like what the world calls dating, but there are distinct differences. The biggest difference was mentioned in number two above. You are courting the person with the intention to discover if you are suppose to marry this person. It is not dating for the sake of dating. Many people feel pressured to date and think that physical attraction and "liking" the other person is reason enough to be together. It's not. There are so many varying elements that go into a relationship actually working and leading to marriage. Physical attraction and feeling butterflies does not form a basis for marriage...or even a healthy relationship.     

The second difference, and the actual reason for this post, is that with courting, there is less (or more, depending on how you look at it) of a focus on the physical aspect of the relationship. People who choose to court are often extremely mindful of what happens physically in the relationship. They talk it out and may even make a list of what the physical aspect of their courtship will look like. This could even include going to what others would consider is an extreme and not even kissing until the wedding day. Sounds crazy, right? But there's terrific reasoning behind their choices.

Glorifying God.

Think about it. When you get into a typical dating relationship, there is so much pressure to conform to the standards of the world. You think, "Well, my friends are all kissing their significant others and spending time alone." Time alone usually leads to physical contact, which you may not actually be ready for or even want. Boys are questioned about their conquests and praised when they've finally had sex with a girl. It's like some sort of sick rite of passage for boys these days. Girls in the same position end up being called a slut. One choice, or lack thereof, can define who people believe you are, especially when it comes to sexual aspects. And once you're there, it's hard to go back.   

Just kissing can make you lust after even more intimacy. Once you've kissed someone, it can quickly become the norm in the relationship. It's expected, nothing too special about it anymore. So, where does that lead? Either you start having more physical contact or you start fantasizing about what is beyond the kissing. It's easy to get caught up in how physical intimacy makes you feel, which propels the relationship into further intimacy, actual or imagined. Within this context, it's easy to put more focus on the physical aspects instead of the emotional, spiritual, intellectual and relational (getting to know each other) aspects.

Let me be clear. When I speak of physical intimacy, I'm not just referring to sex. Physical intimacy can include kissing, cuddling, laying down together, touching inappropriately, etc.  

When this becomes the case and you get wrapped up in the physical aspects of the relationship, it's hard to separate it from the rest of your relationship. I've heard of people who stay in a relationship even when they're unhappy because the are so caught up in the physical relationship. The feelings that come from being physical seem to start to outweigh every other aspect. It's like an addiction you can't seem to let go of.

When the relationship finally does fall apart, a person is often left with regrets from the relationship. Even as a Christian throughout all of my relationships, I can say that I have regrets from past relationships. I'm still a virgin, but back in the day (high school), I was easily swayed by what others were doing. I wasn't concerned with what was glorifying to God, but what made me and my significant other "feel" closer. I made mistakes. I know it. For the record, physical intimacy does not fix lack of communication or make goals and dreams align. It just doesn't work that way. 

As I've said before, I haven't been in any type of dating/courting situation for almost 7 years. That doesn't change the fact that when I am finally in a relationship, I will have to be honest about the mistakes I've made in past relationships. I guarantee it won't be an easy conversation to have. Sure, I could try to hide it, but that in itself isn't glorifying to God. Mistakes in relationships are baggage that will never go away. And if I get into another relationship that doesn't work out, I don't want to have to add more physical baggage to the list.     

As you approach a relationship, become mindful of what you and your significant other expect in the relationship. This means being open and honest with each other. Some of the conversations you have may be uncomfortable, but when you're both on the same page, you make wiser choices. 

We are called to glorify God in all we do. Relationships are not exempt from that.

What needs to change for your relationship to be glorifying to God?