Beauty in Change

Just a few short weeks ago, I was wrestling with a decision that I never thought I would have to make. A decision that I believed would more-likely-than-not result in the answer of "yes" if it were to come to a decision-making process. It had always been an automatic "yes" in the past. No questions asked. No need for any kind of decision-making process.

What is this decision I was making?

Am I going to go back to Dayton Oaks Camp for my seventh summer on staff?

This question was tearing me apart. It physically made my stomach churn. I was all over the place with my emotions. I cried. I was confused. I was angry. I was at peace. I was defiant. I shut down to the one person who knew what was going on and was trying to help me while I was making the decision. For about three or four days, this seemed like the only thing I could think about. 

Coming to an answer wasn't easy. I had many things that had to be taken into consideration.  

For starters, I now have a job that will require my attention throughout the summer. Being a little over two hours away and taking care of things for school would mean lots of running back and forth between camp and school. In order to do this, I would have to miss days with campers. I would feel pulled in two separate directions, knowing I need to complete my tasks for school, but not wanting to miss time with the campers. When I looked at a calendar and what the summer would look like, I remember feeling tired just by the thought of what I would be facing. Yes, doing both would be completely possible. But I may end up drained and less effective in both realms. 

In addition, I have been spiritually challenged about several different things in the past year. I have had hard questions asked of me. Questions I truly wanted nothing to do with. Things I didn't want to think about. Even more, things I didn't acknowledge were important. 

                                                                                        

In the midst of attempting to make my decision, I was at a Friday night prayer service. It was my first time attending this service, but God knew what He was doing by getting me there. During the message, one of the subjects that came up was the problem of idols. Since this decision was all that was on my mind, I quickly asked myself if I had made camp an idol. The resounding answer I got, sadly, was "yes". Camp is a place I've become comfortable. A place I know what to expect and when to expect it (most of the time). Like I said earlier, I never questioned going back. It was just automatic. I didn't question whether that was what God wanted of me. I wasn't worried about His plan because I knew my plan. Welcome, idol. I put camp before God. Sounds like an oxymoron since it's a church camp, but it's the truth. God ranked under camp. PROBLEM! 

If these two things weren't enough to make my decision, there was still more. I started asking questions and having questions asked of me such as: 

Am I missing opportunities at home when I go to camp?

Am I as effective as I should be?

Is the ministry itself as effective as it should be? 

Am I growing in leadership skills as well as in my relationship with Christ?

What do I sacrifice to be at camp?

Do I go to camp for myself or for the ministry?

Am I so afraid of disappointing people that I take their input into consideration more than I should?

Am I obeying God or following my desires? 

After taking all of these questions into consideration as well as looking at my schedule, I came to a decision. It wasn't an easy decision, but sometimes God asks each one of us to do hard things in order to continue to grow in Him. He wants us to trust Him wholeheartedly, and let me be the first to say, If I weren't trusting Him, I probably wouldn't have made the decision I did. Yet, as soon as I knew what God was telling me to do, I was at peace. No more agonizing. No more worrying. No more bouncing back and forth between "yes" and "no". No looking back.  

One week ago today, I began the process of telling people that I have made the decision not to return to Dayton Oaks Camp this summer. I am not only stepping away from my role on staff, but am also stepping away from my role as the 1st-4th grade cabin camp coordinator. I made this decision for me. I made it for no one else. Well, except God.  

I have no doubt, come June, that I will miss it. For countless summers, I have packed up my car, moved into lodge room 8, and made my home away from home complete with decorating the walls. I will miss the staff who have become friends. I will miss summer pranks. I will miss gator rides. I will miss the campers. I will miss Saturday trips to Ames and Des Moines. I will miss campfires. I will miss the delicious food. I will miss seeing God work in people. I will miss being in nature, observing God's handiwork. I will miss the Top of the World. I will miss so many things. 

While I know I will miss all of these things, I also know that God has something great planned for this summer and summers to come. He has a plan for my life that I cannot fathom. And I am beyond excited to see what comes of this change.  

Are you listening to God's will for your life? Or are you following your own desires?  

Convicted by the Pharisees

I recently started reading the book "Multiply" by Francis Chan. I've owned the book for over a year, but for anyone who knows me, I own a lot of books- AKA, there are a lot of books I haven't actually read. I was prompted to read this book after a conversation J and I had a few weeks ago. I haven't read much of the book yet, but it has definitely made me stop and think about the way I live my life versus the way God calls me to live my life.

In the opening pages of the third chapter called The Heart of a Disciple Maker, Chan says this: 

"If God cared only about religious activities, then the Pharisees would have been heroes of the faith. They were continuously engaged in ministry: they vigorously pursued outward demonstrations of godliness; they made sure the people around them kept themselves holy; and they diligently taught the law of God. And yet the Gospels present the Pharisees as villains." 

In essence, the Pharisees presented themselves as perfect. They followed "God's laws" and made sure others were doing the same. They weren't afraid to speak up when people weren't following the commands supposedly from God. And people were impressed by their knowledge. But, in Matthew 15:8-9, they get called out.

"These people honor me with their lips, 

but their hearts are far from me, 

They worship me in vain; 

their teaching are merely human rules." (NIV)

The Pharisees were putting on a show. They wanted others to notice them and all of the good they were doing, but Jesus says it was all in vain. Their hearts were nowhere near him. While they knew a lot about God, they didn't know God. Did they care to know God? Or was the show good enough for them?

When I read the passage above from Chan, I read it. And I read it again. And I read it again. It made me stop in my tracks. 

"If God cared only about religious activities..."

You go to church. You teach Sunday school. You help in the youth group. You pray (most often when things aren't going your way). You dust off your Bible when you have time (once a month is good, right?!?) 

Don't get me wrong. Those are all great things. But those aren't necessarily the things God wants from you. He wants a relationship with you. 

It doesn't matter how much time you spend in the Bible if it isn't resulting in a closer connection with him. 

It doesn't matter if you give two hours every Wednesday night to help with the youth group if it isn't to benefit His kingdom by helping others draw closer to him and drawing closer to him personally.

Prayer isn't to get your way. It's to give your way over to God. He gets control, not you.

Nowhere does God say, "Do all of these things to have a relationship with me." Religious activities are not the answer to having a heart for God if you aren't using these activities for the right reasons. He cares more about what is in your heart and who you are.  

"Come close to God and he will come near to you." - James 4:8

"They vigorously pursued outward demonstrations of godliness..."

This is the part that stopped me in my tracks. The Pharisees wanted to look good. They did everything in their power to look good. But, it was a demonstration. Something they had put effort into and planned so they could look good. It was a facade. It wasn't necessarily who they were. Does anyone truly know what they were like behind closed doors? In their own homes? 

Which brings me to what stopped me in my tracks. Do I put on a facade? Do you put on a facade? If we're being honest, the answer is, "Yes". At least I know that would be my answer. I can think of things I hid from people in years past because I knew they were wrong. Are there things I could admit to in my life right now? If I said no, I would be lying. But, I put on a lovely facade. You would have to search for quite a while to find someone who knew the truth about most of what comes to mind and I can't guarantee you would ever find such a person. 

Why is this? 

It's because as Christians, many of us have been taught that we are to be different from the world. We aren't supposed to do things that people of the world do. And when Christians come out with their faults, they are often called hypocrites. Then they lose their credibility as a witness to non-believers and sometimes even fellow believers (this is a sad truth about the church).

So, this is where I put on my show and make it look like I have it altogether. I know how a follower of Christ is called to live and I don't stray from that. Or so I make you believe... 

God doesn't want a facade from me, from you, or from anyone. He wants to see the real you and he wants others to see that person as well. It is the only true way we can grow closer to God. When we hide our shortcomings, we essentially say that God cannot help us. And that prevents us from coming closer to him. 

"The Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."

 - 1 Samuel 16:7

What facade(s) are you putting on? What do you need to give over to God?