The Well

On Wednesday night, I attended my first evening of "The Well", a worship and prayer night at J's church. Driving to the church, my stomach was in knots. I don't know for sure why I was feeling this way though. Was I nervous because I didn't know what to expect? Was I nervous because of the job interview I had planned the next morning? Was it a little of both? I honestly cannot give you an answer.

As I sat down with J's family before the service, his grandma started talking to me about my interview. I already had the interview on my brain so it was good to talk about it. (For the record, when I say I'm at J's church, I'm typically not with him as he is running lights and sound- AKA church happens to double as quality time with his family.) When the service started, I attempted to push the interview out of my mind so I could be present in worship and prayer.

That is, I pushed the interview out of my mind until the pastor shared the first prayer topic- prayer for those who had experienced some sort of tragedy. Specifically, he wanted to pray for the walls that had been built up as a result of this tragedy to be torn down. How does this prayer topic relate to my interview? The one that hadn't happened yet? 

The last year of my Master's program was, to say it nicely, rough. It was probably the most trying year of my life. Not because I didn't enjoy what I was doing, but because of some circumstances and events that took place over the course of the year. I've mentioned before that I wasn't sure I was going to get to graduate. During the time of prayer, I realized that the events that occurred that last year of my program resulted in a wall being built. For me, the things I went through were a tragedy- not so much in the sense of what most people think of when they think of a tragedy though. It was more of a tragedy in the sense that there were so many obstacles being placed in my way to become a school counselor. I had invested so much time, energy, and money into what I thought was God's will for me and I kept getting knocked down at every turn. It was a hard thing to swallow. And one I know I could have handled better.

Every time I walked into an interview, I was taking these experiences with me. I was carrying the bitterness I felt towards those events with me. Even though I could say I had let it all go, I hadn't. I tried several times to convince myself that everything I had gone through was just a learning experience, something to make me stronger. I didn't actually believe that though. I questioned often if school counseling was for me because if I was going to end up like the people I had dealt with, I wanted nothing to do with that profession. Ya, I had walls. No doubt.

As I sat there praying, I felt the walls start coming down. I was looking at the situation in a new light. I had never connected the dots between the events that had taken place and how my feelings towards that could be affecting my interviews. More than that though, I could sense God telling me that it's all according to His plan- His good and perfect will. Now, I'm not saying that all bitterness left at one moment because I can still think of certain events and cringe, but I am saying I'm letting go. The wall is coming down. What I went through doesn't have to define me. It won't define me.

The second thing the pastor asked us to pray for was obedience. When he said this, my first instinct was to laugh. Not because I don't want to be obedient to God, but because his prayer topics seemed to be pointed...right at me. It was almost like there was a spotlight on me and God was saying, "Pastor, everything you say tonight is going to be for this woman right here."

We hear people say all the time that we need to be obedient to God. What does that look like? For me, I knew I needed to be obedient to God in His will for my life, specifically when it comes to my career. The interview I had coming up was probably the most important interview I had to become a school counselor because it was going to give me everything I wanted. I would be able to stay in Sioux City which meant a lot of things. I could live at home while paying off students loans, I wouldn't have to start all over making new friends, and I wouldn't have to do a long-distance relationship with J. Notice how I just listed things that were perfect for me, but not necessarily for God? It's easy to think about how to be obedient to your own will without thinking about God's will. Needless to say, my prayer became that I wanted this job and all of the benefits it would come with if it was God's will. Still a bit selfish, but I was trying :) I just wanted this job so badly.

 When the service ended, I felt at peace about the interview. I no longer had knots in my stomach. I was ready for whatever was next. As I turned to J's mom, she asked if they could pray for me. Okay, maybe I wasn't ready for whatever was next. I'm not used to someone asking to pray for me. Nonetheless, J's mom, dad, and grandma gathered around me, laid hands on me, and prayed for my interview. It was one of the best feelings to know that I have their support and they care enough to take time to pray with and for me. If that wasn't enough, as I was talking to the pastor, he ended up praying for my interview as well. Sidenote: I went to one church growing up and I'm not sure the pastor ever learned my name. I've been to J's church five, maybe six times, and the pastor not only knows my name, but has taken time to pray for me.

On Wednesday night, I was exactly were I was supposed to be. It still amazes me how God puts people, events, and desires right where He needs them to be. God has it all figured out and we need to learn to trust Him. He works in each of us in ways we could never imagine when we let Him break down those walls and show us His will.

It was my first experience at "The Well", but I guarantee it won't be my last.

What is God trying to show you through prayer? 

Set A Fire

"Set a fire down in my soul 

that I can't contain, that I can't control 

I want more of you God

I want more of you God." 

 I'm currently at the O'Hare airport in Chicago (I may still be on a plane that just landed) on my way to Monterrey, Mexico, but I've had these lyrics running through my head on repeat for the last day. We sang it in church yesterday morning and something within me felt it. I would have been content with singing those lyrics over and over again and calling that the church service. Even with my conservative Baptist background, I was on the verge of raising my hands. I didn't, but I was oh so close. I have nothing against hand-raising. I understand the concept. For me, it's something I didn't grow up with and have only done a handful of times in my life so am very tentative when I do. It will come with time though. Ok, moving on- this isn't a post about hand-raising.

In a little over an hour, I will be on the flight taking me to Monterrey. For those of you that don't know, I applied and was chosen through work to go on a mission trip. I have been out of the country once, but did not go for missions. The company does trips both in and out of the US. When I applied to go on this trip, I requested all of the international trips because I wanted that experience (and if the trip is free to me, even better :) ). I wanted out of my comfort zone and everything I know for a chance to make a difference in others' lives as well as grow in my walk with The Lord. I was chosen and here I am, sitting at the airport waiting for what I'm told will be a life-changing experience. 

I'll be honest here (I feel like I say that a lot in my blogs). I'm not sure I'm ready for this. I've been so consumed with work (we've been in the middle of renovations and resetting the store), spending time with my boyfriend, J, and friends, and life in general that I haven't had much time to sit down and prepare for what I'm about to experience. I don't want to go just to be able to say I went. I want this trip to truly touch my life. 

As the time nears for the plane to board, these lyrics are the prayer of my heart for this trip. This trip isn't about me. It's about God becoming more and moving in and through me in ways I'd never imagine. I want to see more of Him. 

My Love Language

If you've ever attended church for any amount of time, you've probably heard talk about the five love languages. Even if you don't attend church, you may have still heard about the love languages as they seem to be everywhere. In a nutshell, every person has a primary love language- one s/he appreciates and respond to the most. It's how one prefers to receive affection from others. The love language you identify with is NOT how you show love for others, but how others show love for you.   

The five love languages are: 

1) Words of Affirmation

2) Gifts

3) Acts of Service

4) Quality Time

5) Physical Touch

I have attended church as long as I can remember and went to a private, Christian college, but in all my time in these settings, I never actually took time to figure out my love language. It wasn't until about a month and a half ago when I was talking to J that I started thinking about my love language. He had brought the subject up and was telling me about his primary love language and I had no clue what mine was. Neither one of us had actually read the book by Gary Champan so I decided to pick a copy up (shocker, I bought another book) and explore the different languages. It didn't take much for me to figure out which love language is my language. 

Anyone want to take a guess?!? No. Okay. It's quality time. 

Quality time- spending time with others. As an introvert, I prefer my quality time one-on-one. On occasion, I enjoy the group thing, but I love one-on-one time because it allows me to invest in one person at a time. I feel the most connected to a person through quality time. I can listen to the person's experiences, thoughts, beliefs, etc. I enjoy getting to know someone on a personal level, a level that allows him/her to open up to me in a way they don't to other people. Spending quality time with me will also make me naturally open up because I sense the person cares about me and wants to share in my experiences and beliefs. 

Quality time is essential to any relationship I have, whether that's with friends, family, or a significant other. When I discovered my love language is quality time, I had a sort of "AHA" moment about past relationships and things I currently do.    

I recall several times, I have gotten extremely frustrated with people, mostly friends, who haven't made it a priority to spend time with me. Maybe priority isn't the right word. More like I felt they didn't care one way or the other about spending time with me. In high school and college, I was close to several friends who ended up getting into relationships. We all know this story. When you start a new relationship, it's typical for the significant other to become the most important person in your world and everyone else takes the back-burner. (I am extremely thankful this has not been the case in my relationship with J.) When I was the one being put on the back-burner, this didn't bode well for the friendship. I was angry. I was hurt. I felt replaced. Sadly, most of these friendships don't exist anymore because of the circumstances that arose with significant others and the lack of quality time I had with those friends.  

Just recently, I was attempting to make plans to visit out-of-town friends. I was not getting the quick, enthusiastic replies I desired so I decided not to go. One of my friends was persistent in wanting me to come and was attempting to convince me. Unfortunately for her, I ended up venting my frustrations about one of my last visits and my disappointment in the lack of time I had spent with my friends. I had spent almost an entire Saturday by myself on that trip. Because I hadn't gotten the response I wanted with this recent attempt, I feared I wasn't going to get quality time with my friends. I didn't want a repeat of that Saturday. I ultimately decided I still wasn't going, but agreed to attend her birthday party since she was adamant about wanting to see me. Thank you for that, friend. :) 

Now, for anyone who knows me, you know that most of my close friends don't live in the same town as me. I have friends from camp and college in towns all over Iowa, South Dakota, Minnesota, and possibly some other states. It's a bit difficult to spend quality time with them on a regular basis. So, how do I keep up these friendships and feel like I still get quality time? Social media- Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Skype, texting. Pretty much anything but Twitter (I still don't understand the point of Twitter). I'm aware that I post a ridiculous amount of things on Facebook daily. I wish I could say I'm sorry for that, but it's my "quality time" with my friends so I'm not sorry in the slightest. When I've spent time with people I'm thankful for, you'll find I often post a status about it. I appreciate my time with those people and want them to know. I try not to take my time with people for granted, especially those I don't get to see often. 

Figuring out my love language opened my eyes to so many experiences I have had in the past that didn't always make sense to me. I never understood why I got so irritated with people who didn't seem to care about spending time with me. I didn't realize why I would wait hours (Okay, that's a slight exaggeration) in a restaurant for someone to show up. I didn't know why I was one of the only ones of my friends to post on Facebook about time I had spent with my friends. I didn't understand why going more than a few days without seeing someone I care about drove me bonkers. It all just makes a little more sense to me. Honestly, if I had stopped to think about it, I probably would have known why these things were so important to me, but I hadn't taken the time. Now that I know how much I value quality time, maybe I'll be able to control my emotions better because I realize that quality time isn't everyone's love language. While it is extremely important to me, it may not be for them.

   
     

Commitment to Commitments

I've been pretty horrible about blogging recently. So much for commitment- my word of the year. Ok, to be fair to myself, I feel like I've been committed to other things that have not allowed me as much "me time"; therefore, not as much time to blog. I miss putting my thoughts out there though so I'm hoping to be back at this a little more frequently. 

I have several different blog ideas running through my head, but none of them formed enough to actually write so I figured since it's been two months, I'd give an update on my commitments. 

1) Spending time with friends in Sioux City.

If you ever talked to me when I moved back to Sioux City two and a half years ago, you might have heard me say something about how I didn't want to get invested in friendships here because I had no intention of staying here when I finished school. I spent a lot of time at home doing nothing or out of town because of this. How stupid! 

This may sound strange, but my closest friends now are my coworkers. It's amazing how God can use the place I'm in to show me how enjoyable people can be. My coworkers are crazy, energetic, make me laugh hysterically, and joke around constantly. We spend time together outside of work and talk almost nightly on Facebook. My breakfast dates with one of them before work on a weekly basis is also pretty sweet!

I feel so much better about life having people I can invest in. People I care about. People that care about me. Don't get me wrong. I've had people like this in my life all the time, but none of them lived in Sioux City. Knowing I can be there for people at the drop of a hat is something I enjoy. In a way, it's like I've made a commitment not to be focused on myself every second of every day. I can and want to focus on others. 

2) Learning about myself 

I don't think this ever ends for anyone, but I believe that people can make a conscious effort to knowingly learn about oneself.

 I absolutely love to read. I buy books constantly, which has a negative side effect on my pocketbook. That's something I've learned well. But...I use those books to learn about myself. Since the beginning of this month, I've read two and a half books that helped me examine myself and my life. These books have made me realize some changes that I need to make in order to glorify God more fully. 

I'll share one quickly. TV has always been a staple in my house. A lot is scheduled around what is on TV that night. I sadly fell into that pattern when I was growing up. I've known for a long time that it was a problem and cherish summers because I don't even have access to TV; therefore, I am more free to do other things. In the past few years, I feel like I've gotten better about not letting TV dictate my plans, but it wasn't until I read "Gods at War" by Kyle Idleman that I realized that TV had become a god to me at a young age. It became more important than relationships and spending time with those who truly matter. I am happy to say that TV hasn't truly dictated my schedule for quite a while, but I am always going to have to be diligent to keep it that way. 

*Disclaimer: Steelers football will sometimes dictate my schedule as that is "Daddy and Me" time.  

3) The Boy 

Wait for it...Are you ready? You are? Ok. 

I, Heather Nichole Grause, am no longer single. 

That's right.

I have a boyfriend. And he's amazing!

For those of you who have made a habit of reading my blogs, you know by the several blogs about relationships that it's been about seven and a half years since I've been in any kind of relationship. If you didn't know, you do now! Attending a private Christian college, the chase for a significant other- correction, a husband or wife- was at the forefront of so many students' thoughts. Thankfully, I missed that boat (no offense to my friends who found a husband or wife during their college years). That's not what my college years were intended to be. If it happened, it happened, but I wasn't going to chase after a guy. It clearly didn't happen and I was never sad about that. I had so many opportunities ahead of me, including learning about myself. 

I met my boyfriend, J, shortly after I moved back to Sioux City two and a half years ago. Anyone else see the irony in the fact that I met him around the time I was adamant I wasn't going to invest in any relationships? We met through work and occasionally kept in contact after he started a new job. Neither of us were expecting a relationship when we started talking again in January, but it naturally progressed into one. This is a huge change and commitment for both of us and a decision I know I didn't take lightly. I could go on and on about details, but honestly, that's not why I'm writing this. If you want to know more, you can ask in person and I may or may not tell you. 

4) Time with God

Sadly, I used a similar argument about church as I did with friends when I moved home. I had no intention of staying in Sioux City, spent summers at camp, and went out of town many weekends to see friends and my beautiful nieces. What was the point in finding a church family just to leave again? It's not like I would be there frequently anyway. STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! 

Because of my job and interaction with customers, I have been conscious of my need to spend time with God daily, which is something I try to do. Currently, I am attempting to read the New Testament in 40 days. We'll see if that's successful. I would take a wild guess I won't be successful because I'm a little ADD when it comes to reading the Bible and I change my mind all the time about what I want to read. Even if I'm not successful in completing it in 40 days, I will still be spending time in God's Word.

In February, I started attending my uncle's church then went on vacation. I enjoyed the church and am glad I was diligent about going after he began inviting me. Since then, I have had a few more options opened up to me of different ways to get involved in church groups. 

I'm not sure I realized what I had been missing by making excuses of why I didn't need to/shouldn't go to church. I was always extremely involved in church growing up so I'm not sure how I got into this mindset. Maybe what everyone said about those who major in theology needing three years to come back to the church after graduating was true. Hate to think of it like that, but it's been about three years. Disappointing. I never abandoned my relationship with God. The church, yes. Getting involved in church again has been the most important commitment I have made because I know it's playing into everything else I am committing.  

What kind of commitments are you making? 

   

The Day I Walk Down The Aisle

 

My last post was about the one word I am going to focus on this year. I chose the word "commitment" and was going to go from there. I have tossed several ideas around, but in the past few days, I have come across something that has helped me make a commitment. 

I haven't been watching much actual television. Yes, Netflix and movies are still happening, but real-time television with commercials aren't occurring often. 

Despite this, I have caught glimpses of a commercial that just infuriates me.

David's Bridal has a couple of new commercials. I'll admit- I haven't seen any of them in their entirety. I don't know how many actually exist. I have seen the end of one of the commercials several times and this has been enough to aggravate me. The end of this commercial shows a bride on her wedding day and you hear a statement about how the day is for the bride and how the most important thing for the bride is her dress. REALLY?!?

I know I'm single, haven't walked down the aisle, and am nowhere near that all-important wedding day, but I'm pretty sure I know enough to know that the most important thing on that day is not, in fact, the dress. Don't get me wrong, I want to look stunning the day I walk down the aisle, but the wedding is NOT about the dress. 

I can't wrap my head around the idea that people spend all of this money on a ceremony and reception "for the bride". If it's all for the bride, what's the point of the groom? Just throw yourself a big party if you want all of the focus on you. A wedding day is not "your day"- it's "our day", as in the bride AND groom. GASP! I said it. Get over it. 

More importantly than the focus being on the bride and groom, the wedding day is a day to honor God.  A day to stand in front of all of your family, friends, and loved ones in a ceremony where "two shall become one". Where a man and woman commit to showing each other love- love that is patient, love that is kind, love that is not self-seeking, etc (1 Corinthians 13)- until death do us part. 

My friend's wedding this summer where God was truly
the center of the day. Thanks for being a great
example! P.S. The dress was gorgeous.

Not once, in all of the weddings I have attended, have a heard mention during the ceremony of the beauty of the dress. That clearly shows, despite the commercials, that the most important thing is not the dress. If the dress were the most important, surely it would be brought up in the ceremony where you have the whole congregations' undying attention. Instead, you hear talk about what has brought the man and woman together, commitment to one other, Bible passages about love, and vows to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, through sickness and health, until death do us part. You are making a commitment before God, family, and friends to each other. 

As part of my practice of commitment for the year, I am committing today to the fact that, when that day finally does arrive, it will not be about the dress. Nor will it be about the decorations, the cake, or any of the other wedding essentials. My wedding day will be about honoring God by standing in front of loved ones and sharing with them my joy, happiness, and gratitude towards God as I marry the man God has prepared for me. No amount of wedding planning and fussing can bring the man God has in mind for me so I will stand before everyone and thank my Heavenly Father for all he's done for me to get me to that day. And the first things I will thank Him for are loving me and bringing me the man he knew would make me a better person so I can more fully glorify Him.    

What false ideas have you received through social media about weddings?  

   

  

Just. One. Word.

As 2013 comes to a close, many people are spending the last hours with loved ones at parties, bars, etc. I have been at home since before 7 o'clock in my pajamas. Decked out in Steelers attire from head to toe. NO shame. 

As many people do, I have reflected upon the past year- the ups and downs, the triumphs and failures, and the changes. I could list everything off individually, but I'd rather highlight the four most important events rather than sharing every tidbit of information about my year. 

1) I graduated with my Master's in School Counseling. (For anyone who has been involved in my life the past year, you know this was a major milestone I wasn't sure was going to happen.) 

2) My summer was once again spent at Dayton Oaks Camp. Give me some Jesus! 

3) I was handed a full-time position (not in school counseling) without ever interviewing for the position.

4) I was reawakened to the importance of telling people how I feel about them. There is never a better time than the present. 

Enough about this past year though. I learned lessons this past year that will carry me into 2014 and that is all that matters. There is nothing I can change about the past so let's look forward to this coming year. 

Cue New Year's Resolutions...

It's truly 12:00 AM on 1/1/2014 as I start writing this portion.  Here's my confession for the beginning of the new year. I have made New Year's Resolutions for years in a row. I, unfortunately, can't tell you what any of the resolutions were though. I think my planner even allowed me to make new resolutions every month. I can't tell you where my planner is hiding. 

I'm pretty sure I have made New Year's Resolutions at about 11:00 PM on the 1st of January. The resolutions were last minute thoughts and more of an obligation that I needed to have resolutions rather than things I truly wanted to do. This year, instead of making resolutions and having a list that will be obsolete by the end of the month, I am taking a new approach. 

About five days ago, I came across a devotional called "One Word that will Change your Life". The premise of the devotional is using one word, just one word- no phrases or sayings- and focusing on that word for the year. On the very first night of reading the devotional, I felt like I knew what my word for the year was going to be. By night four, I was convinced. Convinced may be the wrong terminology, as I feel like it was more of a nudging from the Holy Spirit to use this word. It wasn't something I feel like I chose myself. 

My word will permeate throughout many aspects of my life. If it doesn't, I am not focusing on my word correctly. I have had thoughts running though my head for four days about how I can use my word. What I need to focus on is letting God decide how I am going to use my word. When I choose my actions, I fail because I have no backing because my decisions are just that- my decisions. God has to be in charge of this for it to be of any use to me. God has to show me what is going to be the most important things to focus on this year. Maybe at different times of the year, it will be different aspects, but that's all up to Him. 

I will be completely transparent here. I'm a little skeptical that focusing on one word this year will be any different than failed New Year's Resolutions. What will keep me from losing focus on the word within a week, month, etc? That's where you come in. I am sharing this as an accountability piece. I can't have this be between only God and me. I will need the friendly reminders.

As I said, my word should involve all areas of my life in one way or another. I'm not sure what this will look like yet, but check back for updates. Here is my word: 

"No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." ~Philippians 3: 13-14