Inadequacy Abounding

The past couple of weeks have been rough. I'm not saying I haven't enjoyed many of the experiences I have had the past few weeks. I'm saying that Satan has been attacking me in very real ways. He has made me feel that: 

I am not good enough. 

I don't have what it takes. 

I'm not making a difference. 

Everything I do is incorrect. 

These haven't simply been thoughts in my head. It wasn't like I decided one day that I feel inadequate without any cause to feel this way. People have said things to me that have made me feel I'm not good enough and am wrong in what I do. People have implied things that made me feel insufficient. Certain events have made me feel like a failure and that I don't have what it takes.  

Last week, I made a decision to leave camp to go to a job interview. When I returned to camp, I was called out in front of all of the campers for leaving "without permission". I was doing what I have to do in order to try to secure a future job, but in that moment, I felt like I was wrong for going to this interview. (For the record, no, I didn't ask for permission because I was going either way, but I did inform the necessary people I was going and no stink was raised then.)

At the beginning of this week, I came across a cup that said "It's all Heather's fault". It doesn't matter who it belongs to, but it's ironic that it was made last week when I was barely around the staff because I was a counselor. In the past, I've gotten in trouble for being in the kitchen too much while counseling so I've stayed away from the kitchen as much as possible this summer while I'm a counselor. Yet, it's all my fault. The saying, "You're darned if you do. You're darned if you don't." seems so fitting right here. 

Just a few days ago, I was told I wasn't cleaning mud-dobbers out well enough to paint over them. Really? I'm getting crap about something as silly as that? And I felt inadequate because of it. 

Then, there's that comment that was made in passing about an aspect of my physical appearance. An aspect that I have no control over. An aspect I have already been self-conscious about as long as I can remember. As hard as I could try, it would never change without a miracle from God. And He's got more important things to worry about than my appearance. Low self-esteem comes from comments like the one I heard. 

To top it all off, today I finally got a call I have been anticipating for over a week. You know? The one where you get rejected from a job. This has been the theme of my summer. The third rejection. As the window to find a job dwindles, the rejections become harder. Especially because I knew this time I was one of two finalists. The other person was better than me. There have been three instances where at least one other person has been better than me. It leaves me wondering if I truly have what it takes. What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?

These events have been building off each other. One playing onto the next, which has made the feelings of inadequacy even stronger. Do I truly believe I'm inadequate? At this time, I don't know what I believe. But, I know that Satan is doing a dang good job at making me doubt myself. Satan's enjoying the feelings I'm having because it means I can't put my best foot forward in glorifying God. 

I. HATE. SATAN. 

In all of this, God is still good. He is still present. It's hard for me to believe it through my feelings, but I know it's true. As I was driving back from spending time with some friends this afternoon, I had my iPod on shuffle in a playlist I had made months, if not years, ago. Many of the songs seemed to speak to my feelings of inadequacy and doubt, but that's not why I had chosen the playlist. Just as I was getting ready to pull into camp, the song, "Blue Skies" by Point of Grace came on and I was struck by its truth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1ehYzopr_g

As I sang along, I had tears in my eyes because, even though I'm not ready to admit it, I know deep down that God has a plan for me. One that is greater than the three jobs I've been rejected. Greater than everything being my fault. Greater than cleaning out mud-dobber nests.    

What kind of feelings have you been having about yourself? 

Getting Real with God

Think about a day, week, or event that you look forward to every summer. It can be anything. Going to a certain vacation spot, laying out in the sun, seeing someone you really enjoy. Anything. Anything at all. Do you have it? Good. Now, imagine something happening during this time that makes it even more special, more enjoyable, more memorable. Maybe you've had an experience like this. If you have, I bet you're smiling right now, remembering the exact details. If you haven't, you're imagining what it would be, aren't you? Now, it's my turn. 

One week I look forward to every summer is high school camp. Don't get me wrong, I love every week I'm at camp, but there is something special about high school camp. The campers, most of the time, are getting to the point where they can have real, honest conversations about God, life, etc. They are truly curious and want to draw closer to God during their time at camp so they can go home and be different, act differently, and impact others differently. 

I won't lie. The first couple of days were a flop spiritually. The coordinator was very honest in her feelings of being a failure. Small group discussions weren't going as in-depth as expected. There were definite "cliques", which made small group cohesion difficult, which in turn affected willingness to share within those groups. To sum it up, Satan had hold of all of us. 

We needed something, anything, to happen that would shake us. To loosen the grip Satan had on the week.

I knew something was happening on Wednesday evening when I found two campers off by themselves having what looked like a very heated conversation. Indeed, the conversation revolved around the lack of focus on God, the focus on building relationships, and what needed to be done to change this. One of these campers had written a poem the night before that addressed his frustrations with the week. I didn't get to hear it during this original conversation, but I was positive God was moving when this conversation ended with prayer, initiated by a camper. 

Campfire that night was amazing. The camper whom had written the poem shared it towards the beginning of campfire. The poem was all about how we were concerned with relationships, games, fun, etc. while we were sacrificing and missing God in everything we were doing. We were essentially going through the motions and paying no attention to God. The poem set the tone for what was to come that evening (which none of us had knowledge of). 

A college student from Ottawa was asked to speak that night, but no one knew what he was going to talk about. He ended up talking about Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. He had even brought out a cross with three nails in it. Everyone was asked to take turns hitting the nails as they remembered what Christ had done for us. Cue the tears.   

At the end of his lesson, we had a time of prayer where campers were able to go to the counselors to pray. This was a moving experience, as campers praying with counselors turned into campers praying with campers. At one point, I looked around the campfire and saw brother praying with brother and their sister praying with two other campers. Their leadership and heart for God brought tears to my eyes. (If any of you are reading this, I admire your relationship with each other and God.)

After a while, many campers left to use the restroom and were told they didn't have to come back. Guess what? Every single one of them came back. One even came back with Bible in hand to look up verses that were referenced during campfire. 

I have never seen anything like this. Campers leave and come back on their own free will. Even after they were all dismissed, no one left. Not one. They wanted to stay and worship a God that had revealed Himself through that camper's poem and that counselor's message. God had shown Himself in a way that was desperately needed. And it changed the tone of the rest of the week. 

That evening was out of anybody's control. God worked through that camper, that counselor, even the coordinator who was feeling lost. When we come to Him broken and frustrated, He shows up in miraculous ways. In ways that no one would expect. That's the beauty of God. He comes to show us a new way. Not a way that we already recognize in our day-to-day lives. He's here to renew us and call us to something greater. Something He has prepared for us. We have to be willing to listen and be moved when He calls us into action. 

What is God calling you to do?