The Truth Behind My Singleness

Before we get into this, let's take a moment and marvel at the fact that I have actually started working on my summer reading list. I'm not just reading one book, but TWO! Somehow, both of the books I picked up have reflection questions at the end of each chapter. This has made me stop and think about what I am actually reading. Hence, today's topic. 

One of the two books I picked up is "Praying for Your Future Husband". I chose this book not out of a strong desire to read this book first, but because, honestly, I'm too embarrassed to read it in public. I want to read it in the solitude of my room where no one knows that I'm even thinking about my future husband. In four days, this solitude will no longer be possible for the summer. As it is, my mom saw the book laying on my bed today and stared for several seconds before looking away. 

It's ironic that the book I wanted to hide from everyone is the book I'm choosing to write about. 

At the end of one of the chapters, the questions revolved around my future husband's relationships. The specific question that caught my attention was, "How does it make you feel to think that your future husband may be in a relationship with someone else right now?" 

Let me be honest. The thought of that just downright sucks. It makes my heart sink. Whether I have met my future husband or not, I hope that his life is leading him to me. Dating another girl would kind of be in the way of this happening. 

When I read this question though, it led me in another direction. It made me reflect on my past relationships. 

I've had five so-called boyfriends in my life, if you can call all of them that. Some of them are probably worth diddly-squat in the scheme of things. If I get technical, I would probably count three of these as real dating relationships. I was in love once. 

I had my first "boyfriend" at the end of my eighth grade year. Way too young to be dating, for the record. I haven't dated anyone since the very beginning of my college years. November 21, 2006 to be exact. Doing the math means I had these five relationships in about five years. It's been a little over 6 and a half years since I've been in any kind of relationship. That isn't saying I wasn't asked out on dates. I just always said "no" or accidentally turned it into a group thing. That's the private, Christian college way of doing things. I'm thankful for this way of doing things because one of the guys I said "no" to is now one of my very best friends (and he's happily married).

So the question is: Why has it been so long since I was in a relationship?

It's simple really. To avoid the hurt.

Don't get me wrong. I do recall wonderful memories with some of these guys. I'm racking my brain for good memories with the others. Makes me wonder what I saw in them in the first place. 

But what is more vivid than those memories is the hurt that came when things went wrong. Things like finding out my boyfriend of almost a year and a half put a "singles" ad in his school newspaper around Valentine's Day. Finding out I was one of three girls. Finding out that it wasn't me personally, but the career I wanted to go into that made it impossible for him to date me, even after claiming to love me. These are sure great ways to make a girl feel inadequate. 

It's not just what was done to me though. I know I did my fair share of hurting. To the guy I broke up with the night before his Senior Homecoming because of my own selfishness (This is the only guy I can't think of bad memories with...besides this breakup). To the guy I broke up with based on accusations without seeking answers first. Hurting these guys ended up hurting me. Even though it took me months to realize it.   

This fear of being hurt or hurting someone else has played a huge part in my life. I probably missed out on opportunities because of it. I'll continue to miss opportunities if I allow fear to continue controlling my life. I've hidden behind school, work, family, friendships, and camp as reasons why I'm not in a relationship and don't have time for one. 

In a way, my heart hasn't been prepared to be in a relationship. I've held onto this hurt for so long- mainly how I hurt them. As a Christian, I've heard all my life that you have to deal with all of the "baggage" in order for a relationship to work. It probably doesn't help that part of this baggage is a statement my mom made to me in front of a group of my college friends about how she believed 100% that I was going to marry one of the previously mentioned guys. That kind of statement doesn't go away easily.  

I would love to be in a relationship. I want to feel the joy of growing spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually with another person. But I don't want it to be the wrong person. I want to protect my heart so that when that man comes along, the one God has chosen for me to spend the rest of my life with, I don't have to deal with any new baggage. I don't have to carry in fresh wounds from another failed relationship. I want to be excited for the journey. I want my heart to be fully committed to him. While I wait for this to happen, I am content in continuing to grow and learn about myself through the work Christ is doing in me. 

What's holding you back from pursuing a new relationship? 

A Lesson In Perspective

It's interesting how something you have been thinking about all day can change in an instant. In this case, what I planned to write about today. I was going to write about my frustration with the return policy at a particular store where I returned a few items. Mainly, I was going to talk about how I was irritated with the return policy, not so nicely took it out on the cashier, and then realized that I was part of the problem in not being proactive in taking the items back. The receipt had expired. My fault. 

As the night went on, different events made me realize just how petty my "problem" is compared to everything else going on.

Most of you have probably heard by now about the tornadoes that have devastated Oklahoma. I try to stay away from the news as much as possible because it's always so depressing. If you look long enough, you can find death, fraud, betrayal, infidelity, natural disaster, etc. in any news report. But, it's a little impossible to ignore news that has spread from news stations to all of the major social networking sites. In fact, I first heard about the tornadoes on Facebook and really didn't think much of it. At all.  

That is until my mom made me watch a news report about an elementary school in Oklahoma City. It had been flattened. No more school. If that isn't bad enough, 75 students and teachers were still in the school when the tornado ripped through the city, destroying the school in the process. A whole class of 3rd grade students who had taken refuge in a hallway are still missing. And I'm worried about not getting all of my money back on a return? Really? 

If this event in Oklahoma isn't enough to help me see reality a little clearer, let's go back to Facebook for another visit. What do I find? Several of my friends posting about an abduction. Now, you see these types of things on Facebook all the time. No big deal, right? Wrong. This one hit a little closer to home. 

In previous posts, I've talked about the camp I work at during the summer. The staff and their children have become my "adopted" family. I have 5 younger sisters and 3 younger brothers just from the staff's families. That doesn't include the other frequent fliers that have become family- 2 more little brothers come to mind. None of the people just mentioned were abducted. (Spoiler alert: You'll get to know these individuals over the next couple months).  

Why do I mention them then? Well, the two kitchen staff from camp work in the school district where the 2 abducted girls go to school. A 12 and 15 year old girl were abducted shortly after school hours today. The 12 year old was lucky enough to escape, but not before being cut up pretty badly according to news reports. The 15 year old is still missing although the abductor is said to be in custody. This 15 year old is the classmate of 3 of my "adopted" siblings. 

I can't even imagine how they are feeling right now knowing that one of their classmates is missing. Most likely in pain. Scared to death. Wanting to change her choice of getting into that truck. The students at the school will get up in the morning and go back to school. See the empty desk and know why it is empty, but have no answers. Where is she? Is she wounded like her sister? Is it worse? Did she escape? No answers. Just a lot of questions. Questions that hopefully will be answered in a timely manner.

As I think about these three events, I can't help but think about how my day was so horrible because of a return-gone-wrong. Now, after spending the evening hearing and reading about these two events that are going to have a life-changing and lasting impact on several families and communities, I want to laugh at my selfishness. I lost $7.17 today on a return. Other people lost loved ones to a natural disaster and an abductor. I have a lot to be thankful for considering the grief others are experiencing right now. 

What or who provides you with perspective?   

       

A Steal of A Deal

I don't know about you, but I absolutely love saving money! Getting a deal on items that should cost a significant amount of money is thrilling. I haven't always cared about getting a deal. Sometimes, I'm not very good about being proactive about finding deals. There are certain stores, however, that I am always looking for deals. 

I have my sister (L) to blame for this couponing/ deal hunting. As a stay-at-home mom of three girls, L has been trying to save herself money for at least three years now. Her saving tactics have rubbed off on me slightly. I don't seek out coupons most of the time, but when I get one and it's good, I use it. If I find other ways of saving money, let's do it!  

Today, I combined good deals with my passion, camp. At the bookstore I have been working at for the last year and a half, you can collect stamps for your purchases. Every $100 spent equals $5 off towards products in the store. The catch? The $5 has to be used for some type of ministry. Since I work at a church camp, I use the money towards supplies I need during the summer. 

The store is getting rid of this program so I had to hurry up and use my $5 cards- all nine of them- before I leave for the summer. The beauty of these cards is that they can be used on anything in the store- regular price, sale, or clearance items. The store runs sales often with $5 items for purchase. A $5 item combined with a $5 off card equals FREE. No tax. Nothing. It's like stealing candy from a baby. Except it's usually better because I typically walk out with DVDs or CDs. 

I broke out of my routine with these cards a little today and purchased more than just $5 items, but everything I purchased was already on sale. Everything was at least 50% off before I applied the cards. I picked up 3 DVDs, an activity book, a game (worth $30 originally), and 2 cups. What would have cost at least $105 regular price cost me.......... $.62. Sixty-two whopping cents. Who can't afford that? I saved $104.35. 

I coordinate one of the camps during the summer, but am put on a budget. The less money I spend, the better (and more profitable) it is for the camp. I try my best to save them money so it can be put to other uses. The items I bought today would not have even been a thought in my mind if the camp had to pay full price, or even half price. I got supplies that I will be able to use for years to come and it cost the camp NOTHING!    

What's your favorite way to save money?

Summer Reading List

As summer dawns, I prepare for another eight weeks working at the church camp I grew up attending. My summers are full of crazy kids of all ages, lots of fun and exciting activities, and a whole lot of my BFF, Jesus. I won't lie. I get great joy out of watching the campers run on slip-n-slides covered in expired food and shooting them with paintballs. Anywho, that's totally not the point of this post!

Every summer before I head to camp for two months, I go through my bookshelves and choose books to take with me. I'm a bit of a book junkie and it doesn't help that I work at a bookstore. I probably buy at least 20 books a year and haven't read most of them. Choosing books to take to camp becomes a process. The three bookshelves in my room are somewhat organized, but three bookshelves is a little overwhelming. It's hard to predict what I might be in the mood to read in two weeks, a month. I fear the book I pick up may not capture my attention.

I read mostly Christian non-fiction, but have found that mixing in some fiction is good to keep my interest in reading. I have chosen (as of now) the books I am interested in reading this summer. I know I probably won't get to most of them because I have lofty goals of reading even though I usually take naps, swim, or waste away time on my computer. I like being safe and having options though. Here's my extensive list that I probably won't get to: 

Breaking Free by Beth Moore

The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge

If You Want To Walk on Water, You Have to Get Out of the Boat by John Ortberg 

Partnering With the King by John Hiigel

Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman

You're Already Amazing by Hollie Gerth

The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning

Whatever Happened to Worship? by A.W. Tozer

Fiery Faith by A.W. Tozer

Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst

Gods at War by Kyle Idleman

Praying for Your Future Husband by Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Goyer 

The Harbinger by Jonathan Cahn

Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge 

The Space Trilogy by C.S. Lewis 

Some of these books I've wanted to read for years and never had time. Some of them are newer to me, such as Partnering With the King by John Hiigel. This is probably to book I'm most excited to read. Not because it's sold millions of copies. Not because a friend recommended it. This book excites me because John Hiigel was at one time my Theology professor. I got the opportunity during a class to read the manuscript of his book before it was ever published. Now that it is published, I have gotten the chance to look it over and see how far it has come in such a short time. Even after class is over, John Hiigel is going to continue having an influence on my spiritual journey. I am grateful for this opportunity.   

What's on your summer reading list? 

  

The Feeling of Discomfort

This past weekend I was finishing a twelve-day visit with my sister, her husband, and my three adorable nieces. For the blog, I'll be referring to my nieces as Bumpkin Pie, Troublemaker, and Mimi. They live about 4 hours from where I call home so visits with them typically happen on weekends. Long visits like this are extremely rare. I cherish visits like these. It gives me a chance to spend quality time with my nieces. 

My last morning there was a Sunday morning, which meant it was time for church. This is nothing unusual. We go almost every time I'm there. Now, there are some differences between the churches I've attended in my years and the church they attend. They attend a Lutheran church. I've attended Baptist churches my whole life.  

Let me be honest here. I had absolutely no desire to go to church that morning. In fact, I sat around the house for almost 20 minutes because I felt like being lazy and didn't want to shower. The driving force for going was Bumpkin Pie (age 6) repeatedly asking me to come because she knew I was leaving later that day. For her, I got up off my derrière, took a shower, and went to church. 

During the service, I noticed differences from the early service, which we usually attend. The late service must be more traditional. All of the songs came from the hymn book and were led by the organ instead of being led by a praise team like the earlier service. In this Lutheran church, there are several readings. Pastor reads, congregation responds. Pastor reads, congregation responds. I've gotten use to this. 

What caught me off guard and set my discomfort level at high then? Being asked to kneel during the service. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with this practice. It is simply something I am not use to. Nothing I'm accustomed to. I looked around the church in discomfort as people kneeled down. I was unsure what to do. I was a "guest" in the church. Yes, I grew up going to church, but I can't remember a single time that the pastor asked the congregation to kneel during the service. In that moment, I recall thinking that I would never attend the late service again. I was SO uncomfortable. 

This whole week, I haven't been able to get this experience out of my head. What was so significant about this morning in church? It was a new experience. It wasn't comfortable. It wasn't enjoyable. I didn't know how to react in the moment. BUT, I want these experiences. I need these experiences. I want to know how it feels to be alive. I want to know how it feels to feel. In that moment, in that church, my discomfort in this new experience reminded me what it meant to be alive. 

What brings you discomfort?   

This Is Me

As I embark on this journey of blogging, my first piece of business is to introduce myself. 

Who am I? 

  

My name is Heather. 

I am a 25 year-old living in the Midwest.

I moved back in with my parents in order to afford school.

I have three nieces that I adore and you'll hear about often.

I have one biological sibling, but numerous "adopted" siblings.

My favorite flower is hibiscus.

I buy books like they're candy. I haven't read most of them. 

I love photography, especially in nature. 

My grandpa was my best friend as a child. He passed away 15 years ago.

I grew up Baptist, but attend a non-denominational church.

I can scrapbook for days in a row without getting bored.

I enjoy playing paintball. 

I have only recently (in the last few years) learned to enjoy coffee.

I love road trips.

I joined a gym this year. This was a huge feat.

I am happily single (even though my mom and grandma would love to marry me off yesterday). 

I spend every summer working at a church camp.

My favorite TV shows at the moment are Psych, One Tree Hill, and Duck Dynasty.
I don't take many chances. I don't like failing. 

I'm an introvert. 

My greatest love is and always will be Jesus Christ. He has brought me through a lot. 

  

What am I doing here?

I have graduated twice- once with my Bachelor's degree in Theology/Youth Ministry and once with my Master's degree in School Counseling. I walked for the second time just two weeks ago after swearing up and down for years I would never go back to school after graduating with my Bachelor's degree. That lasted for about two weeks into the school year when I realized I missed school. I missed learning. I missed being challenged. 

Now that I am officially done with school, this is my new challenge. A blog to help me continue learning about myself and finding the beauty in every experience. 

I hope to be honest with myself and you- sharing my experiences, thoughts, hopes, fears. I want to share life lessons, the greatness of God, and the wonders around me. Some posts may be funny, some serious, some downright ridiculous, but they will hopefully be proof that I am pursuing life. FEARLESSLY.